FRI, SAT, SUN, March 30, 31, April 1, 2012

Sleep therapists recently studied various professions to determine which, if any, provide their members more slumber on average.  They were surprised when lumberjacks claimed to get ten hours of sleep per night.  Delving further, they discovered that the extra sleep comes at the expense of sex.  Wives and girlfriends confessed that they just couldn’t get turned on by a guy covered with saw dust, sap, and chain saw grease.

Since its debut, the Apple I-Pad 3 has sold over 3.5 million units, despite adverse publicity that the new models tend to overheat.  The internal temperature has been measured at 114 degrees Fahrenheit, but users aren’t concerned.  When they’re not using the thing, they leave it on their dashboard to keep their burgers and fries warm. 

Because Afghanistan society places great value on male children and parents with at least one son have an advantage in business, social contacts, and upward mobility, desperate couples often disguise one of their girls to look exactly like a boy.  This ancient practice, still popular today, is called “Basha Posh,” English pronunciation “chaz-tah’-tee-boh-no.” 

Facing almost insurmountable odds of landing the GOP presidential nomination, Newt Gingrich is hoping for a brokered convention – his only possibility of success.  To this end, he has pared his staff down to the bare essentials.  Campaign manager, gone.  PR guy, gone. No one was spared.  Callista is now wifeing part-time – three hours in the afternoons, no weekends. 

An AMA study conducted over ten years concluded that patients who take steps to maintain their health like watching their diets, exercising and undergoing periodic checkups, enjoy a lifespan considerably longer than those who don’t.  Researchers noticed something else quite interesting – those who took care of themselves were generally still alive at the end.

THURSDAY, March 29, 2012

German luxury car maker BMW has recalled 1.3 million number 5 and 6 series models sold between 2003 and 2010 to address a battery connector problem that may cause the engine to burst into flames.  Owners are directed to take their cars to an authorized BMW dealership.  Not for repairs, however – to allow the dealers to replace the BMW hood ornaments with Chevy Volt logos.

Suffering his first heart attack at age 47, 71-year old former Bush vice-president Dick Cheney underwent his second heart transplant and is up and walking around according to his physician Dr. Jekyl.  While reporters scrambled to be the first to get a statement on Cheney’s condition, his PR spokesman, Mr. Hyde, was non-committal.  

Opening with the highest box office grosses for a non-sequel in Hollywood history, “The Hunger Games” packed ‘em in to the tune of $214.3 million.  The name is “Hunger Games” – not to be confused with the Republican presidential race, “The Strictly-From-Hunger Games.” 

Director James Cameron and Oscar-winning actress Kate Winslet were on hand in London for the red-carpet premier of the new 3-D version of their 1997 blockbuster “Titanic.”  The reformatted film almost didn’t make it to the screen.  With 3-D to help him, the captain spotted the iceberg well in advance and was able to successfully avoid hitting it.  He had to turn the ship around and deliberately run into it just for the sake of the story.

With the backing of the French Department of Tourism, work will begin in early 2014 on a theme park near Paris that will commemorate the life of Napoleon Bonaparte.  Expected to rival nearby Euro-Disney, the park will feature similar visitor attractions such as the “Let Them Eat Cake Restaurant,” an old time saloon called “The Elba Room,” a period train ride that runs on “Toulouse la Tracks,” and restrooms that will be officially called “Water ‘Loos.”  

WEDNESDAY, March 28, 2012

Pope Benedict XVI, visiting Cuba for the first time in 14 years, was met at the Santiago Airport by Cuban President Raul Castro.  He then visited Santiago de Cuba, and said a papal Mass in the Sanctuary of Cuba’s patron saint, the Virgin of Charity of El Cobre.  Relations warmed visibly between the pope and officials of the Marxist government when he replaced the usual incense with a Cuban cigar.

For only the second time in history, Titanic director James Cameron has piloted the prototype submarine Deepsea Challenger seven miles into the deepest gorge in the Pacific Ocean, the Mariana Trench.   Radioing back to his mother ship on the surface, Cameron reported sighting giant grouper, jellyfish, deep sea eels, flounder and Spongebob Squarepants.

For the first time in the history of the Olympics, a 100-year old British grandmother will be an official torch-bearer at the London Games.  Well, it won’t be a torch exactly.  In deference to her advanced age, officials have waived the traditional torch and will let her set fire to her IV pouch.

Spain's Iberia  Airlines, a British Airways spin-off,  has launched cut-rate, no frills, low cost service to cities including Madrid and the islands of Ibiza, Fuerteventura and Lanzarote.  They may be cutting it a little too close, though.  In-flight entertainment is limited to a stewardess holding up a photo of Julio Iglasias while humming songs from his latest album.   

Unable to compete with the ease of use and accessibility of the Internet, officials at the Encyclopedia Britannica have ceased hard-cover production and gone online themselves.  Born-again Christians all over the country wrote irate letters to the company’s headquarters demanding that they reconsider.  Without the encyclopedia, they’ll have to use their bibles to keep their doors from slamming shut.

TUESDAY, March 27, 2012

According to a report from the National Orthopaedic Council, American teens suffer more debilitating knee injuries that ever before.  Causes cited are gym classes that provide insufficient warm-up, un-hall-monitored horseplay and guys trying to impress girls by imitating Tim Tebow.

Bowing to years of unrelenting criticism from human rights groups and anti-war demonstrators, the Pentagon has officially discontinued the use of water boarding as a form of “enhanced interrogation” of terrorist suspects.  And Americans can thank Disney.  From now on, sensitive intelligence data will be extracted by forcing them to sit through John Carter.

Samuel Glazer, the man who revolutionized coffee brewing by inventing the first fully-automatic coffee maker with pre-set controls that he named “Mr. Coffee” and hired Joe DiMaggio to advertise, has died at age 89.    Starbuck’s formally inducted Glazer into the Java Hall of Fame in Cooperstown where he received their highest honor, a 21-espresso machine salute.

A 50-foot Japanese fishing vessel swept out to sea by the 2011 tsunami has been spotted adrift off the west coast of Canada by a Canadian Air Force plane on routine patrol.  There was initial confusion at the first sighting – since there appeared to be no captain or crew on board, it was thought to be an Italian cruise liner in danger of sinking.

Challenging a European tradition that places a high premium on leisure time, voters in Switzerland rejected a ballot measure that would have required that every citizen be given six-weeks’ vacation annually.  Contrary to what you might assume, altruism had nothing to do with it.  The voters had a choice – either the vacation or a free Rolex.  

MONDAY, March 26, 2012

At the start of his tour of Latin America, Pope Benedict XVI arrived in Guanajuato, Mexico and was greeted by Mexico’s President Felipe Calderon.  There was some delay in the pontiff’s scheduled arrival caused according to a papal spokesman by the pilot’s difficulty recognizing the airport through the plane’s stained glass windshield.

According to the latest issue of Consumer Reports, the most reliable automobile is the Honda Accord, followed by the Subaru Outback.  Bottom-feeders in the auto reliability sweepstakes include the Chrysler Town and Third World Country, the Mini Anderson Cooper and the Chevy Volt which has been officially classified as an improvised explosive device.

Poised to break all previous records, this year‘s March Madness will generate an estimated $600 million in television and ad revenue for the colleges and universities with a team in the hunt.  And you thought you made a killing winning that cool $20 in the office pool. 

In Brazil, a former policeman in a Batman costume speaks to children at schools and churches in high-crime areas about the perils of choosing a life of drug-running and prostitution.  To demonstrate the rewards of going straight, he and his sidekick Robin Leach reenact episodes of “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.”

A cat named “Sugar” fell out the window of her owner’s 19^th story Boston apartment and survived with some minor bruises but no broken bones.  Veterinarians at the Animal Rescue League where she was rushed by pet paramedics theorized that about halfway down, she regurgitated a hair ball and knitted a parachute.