11-12 to 11-19, 2012 (Vacation Schedule)

TWO-ARMED BANDITS -- Las Vegas spent $15 million to create a Mob Museum to honor members of the Mafia who founded the desert oasis. Most popular exhibits are in the “Offers That Couldn’t be Refused” wing that features a display of wall-mounted horses’ heads.
 

BOBBIN’ ALONG -- Divers with the Hawaii Undersea Research Laboratory  discovered an unknown reef that is the home of what they believe may be a new species of deep sea sponge. They were stunned when they noticed that it appears to be wearing square pants.
 

BALLROOM -- Former Kansas City hurler Mark Lytell invented what he claims is a safer, more comfortable athletic cup that sells for $19.95 and is named the “Nutty Buddy.” A top-of-the-line model in solid platinum is available at Tiffany’s in their Family Jewels section.
 

FINAL CURTAIN -- Riverview Monuments in Wausau, WIS offers $2000 digital headstones that show a continuous DVD of scenes of the departed loved one’s life.  For a slight additional charge, the undertaker will provide a professional writer to punch up the script.
 

SFO HMO -- Airports in Atlanta, Chicago, Denver, Newark and San Francisco offer flu shots to arriving and departing passengers. And those whose security x-rays show a sprain or inflammation may qualify for a Cortisone shot.
 

CHAMPS -- A survey of 400,000 15-year-olds in 57 countries found that youths in South Korea lead the world in reading skills while those in Taiwan excel in mathematics and Finland leads in science. US students were not entirely shut out, however, placing first in video gaming, cell phone text messaging, recreational binge drinking and hanging out.
 

INTENSIVE CARE -- Men’s Health Magazine has ranked their “20 Worst Foods in America” with Aussie Cheese Fries from The Outback topping the artery-clogging list with 2900 calories and 182 fat grams. In hot pursuit and not far behind -- Denny’s Grand Mal Seizure Breakfast, Appleby’s Macadamia Nut and Caramelized Pork Rind Salad, and T. G. I. Friday’s Deep Fried Lard-On-A-Stick.
 

GNARLY HARLEY -- Archaeologists in Valley of the Kings, Egypt discovered eighteen broken bones in the body of King Tut. Which pretty much explains that tattered leather jacket they found under him with “Evel Tut” embroidered on the back.

 

BAPTISM -- When J. Robert Cade the inventor of Gatorade died at age 80, he was cremated and, in accordance with his final wishes, his ashes were dissolved in a tub of Gatorade and dumped on the winning coach at the Super Bowl.
 

SAM’S CLUB -- Time Magazine reported that 400,000 Americans live full time in a motor home, most of them buying luxury coaches in the $300,000 to $1,000,000 price range. Next time you’re behind one on the freeway, consider this: it’s probably being driven by a 77-year old retired dentist from Keokuk with a heart in about the same shape as Cheney’s whose only training was watching Robin Williams in “RV.” For God‘s sake, don‘t try to pass him!”
 

SUCH SWEET SORROW -- Banned from sale in the United States since 1912, absinthe is now approved by the FDA. The 100+ proof, distilled from worm wood aperitif, was once described by Oscar Wilde as “… producing the ability to see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.”  However, contrary to centuries-old belief, there appears to be no empirical evidence that absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
 

ANATOMICALLY CORRECT -- A toymaker in Italy now offers Moses and Mary dolls at $20 a copy. Press a button on her back and Mary announces “With God, all things are possible.” Pull a string and Moses sings two choruses of the Notre Dame fight song.
 

WE’RE OFF TO SEE -- When Midgets and dwarfs who played the Munchkins in 1939’s “Wizard of Oz” were awarded a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame, there was an unfortunate accident during the installation ceremony in front of Graumann’s Chinese Theater. Three of them fell into one of the footprints.

WHEN YOU WISH -- Disney World, which had purchased $700 million in natural gas futures from the now defunct Lehman Brothers, is now faced with escalating energy costs to heat the theme park. Snow White was so cold last night, she had to throw on another Dwarf.
 

BOOLA BOOLA -- Nine state troopers were caught submitting forged academic documents to qualify for higher pay scales. State inspectors became suspicious when they noticed degrees from the University of Winchell's and Dunkin' Donuts Tech.
 

REACH OUT -- A death row inmate in Texas was found in possession of a cell phone he'd been using for weeks with minutes provided by his mother. It was Nokia's popular "Hard Time 550" model with cell waiting.
 

CALL FOR AMERICAN -- The World Health Organization predicts there will be 8.3 million deaths from tobacco related illnesses between now and 2030. Each grave "so round, so firm, so fully-packed"...
 

WALKING ALONE -- Jerry Lewis apologized for an anti-gay comment he made during a TV interview Down Under. He had to admit that he has no real evidence that Crocodile Dundee and Mel Gibson are married.
 

MUNCHIES -- The owner of a Mexican restaurant in Colorado was charged with drug possession after marijuana was found in one of his tacos. He never should have named it the "Willie Nelson Tijuana Firecracker Special."

 

ANNUAL PHYSICAL -- The American Civil Liberties Union filed a formal request with the Federal Bureau of Prisons to review the "grossly inadequate conditions on  death row that include inmate mistreatment and sub-standard health care that has resulted in a significantly higher mortality rate than that of the general population."

PAPA BURNING -- Animal rights activists staged a topless protest outside the European Parliament demanding a ban on bullfighting in Spain, France and Portugal. First the gals set their bras on fire and then ignited a pile of books by Ernest Hemingway.
 

ROAD KILL -- Armadillos, once rarely found in the north, are migrating in greater numbers. Zoologists theorize that some are searching for food, some are seeking mates and the majority just want to get as far away from Texas as possible.
 

SKIN GAME -- Ford Motor Company offers an option called "My key" which is programmed to limit both the speed of the car and the radio's volume when the car is driven by a teenager.  It also alerts the parents whenever the car gets within fifty yards of a tattoo parlor.
 





 

Contents Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved