6-19-2012
TIGER BALMED -- Twenty-six
year old Scott Simpson won the U.S. Open at San Francisco’s quirky Olympic Club
with a 281 after Jim Furyk started the day six shots ahead of Simpson but
hooked his tee shot at 16 and skulled a bunker shot on 18 like a weekend hacker
to finish with a birdie-less 74.
Meanwhile Tiger Woods, brilliant during the week, imploded on the
weekend finishing seven back.
Afterwards, he blamed the difficult greens, the weather, and residual chronic bimbo fatigue.
NO MSG -- Chinese Air
Force major Liu Yang has become China’s first female astronaut as she was
launched from the Jiuquan spaceport in the Gobi Desert aboard the Shenzhou-9
which will dock with Tiangong Space Lab.
Her presence on the flight was immediately felt by her two male
colleagues as she rearranged the furniture on the flight deck, stowed the beer
dispenser and replaced the “NASCAR” themed drapes with a more tasteful beige.
GLEN SCARY GLEN CROSS -- Former Fox
News host Glen Beck told an audience at the Faith and Freedom Coalition
Conference in Washington, DC that he will produce a sitcom based on
conservative family values to challenge the success of “Glee,” the ABC teen-com
which he claims promotes sexuality and promiscuity with a backdrop of “Lee
Greenwood music.” The bombastic
bloviator refused to confirm or deny rumors that he's considering Bristol Palin
for a key role.
COCKTAIL FOR TWO -- According to
a report from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, highly aggressive and cannibalistic Asian Tiger Shrimp are now turning up along
the Gulf of Mexico. The foot-long
predators who victimize indigenous bottom-feeding sea creatures are believed to
have been introduced in Florida since they attack homeless sea life by eating
their faces off.
COCKPIT STOP -- Clayton F.
Osbon, the Jet Blue pilot who terrorized passengers on a flight from New York
to Las Vegas by running up and down the aisle yelling “We’re going down! We’re
going down!” and had to be restrained by fellow crew members and several
passengers, has been ordered to stand trial by an Amarillo, Texas judge on
charges of interfering with a flight crew.
He faces 20 years in prison. May
be hard to find an impartial jury, though.
Amarillo has the only jury room in the nation with a no-host bar.
Copyright (c) 2012 by Robert L. Mills All Rights Reserved
