ALL IN THE FIRST FAMILY
(Episode 1)
(INT. WHITE HOUSE FAMILY QUARTERS)
(PLAY ON: "Hail to the Chief")
(The door opens and the Obamas enter: Barack first
dressed in black tie, followed by Michele and the two
kids, Sasha and Malia, dressed in their Sunday finest.
Barack immediately heads for the couch and plops down.
Michele takes their coats and hangs them in the closet
near the door. The kids rush over to the TV and snap it
on. They sit on the floor to watch the replay.)
BARACK
Whew! What a day. I don't think I've
been this bushed since I integrated Chicago.
MICHELLE
(Mixing drinks at the small bar-on-wheels)
Honey, you looked so presidential taking the
oath.
BARACK
(Studies himself on the TV)
You don't think the stovepipe hat was
too much?
MICHELLE
It was the perfect touch. (Pause)
although I'm glad we talked you out of the
fake beard.
MALIA
(Crawls onto the couch with him)
Daddy, we were all so proud!
BARACK
I know. I got your text message between
"Do you solemnly swear" and "So help me
God."
MICHELLE
(Hands Barack a scotch & soda) I thought I'd die
when Hillary tried to mount the podium
wearing that Joe Biden mask.
BARACK
And Roberts almost fell for it. I caught him
just in time. (laughs) I guess Joe will have
to be sworn in later.
SASHA
(Points to screen) Look, Uncle Joe is still
in the parking lot trying to get through
security.
(SFX: Telephone rings O.S.)
BARACK
Sasha, will you get that, please.
(Sasha rushes off)
BARACK
(to Malia) Malia, did you ever find out
what those lumps under your mattress
were?
MALIA
The Secret Service said they were
crumpled up beer cans.
MICHELLE
I knew we should have asked the Bush twins
to take their beds with them.
(We hear Sasha on the phone in the next room.)
SASHA
Hello? (pause) Hold on, I'll get him. (yells)
It's for you, daddy.
BARACK: Ask who it is.
SASHA
Who's calling? (Pause) (yells) Sarah Palin.
MICHELLE
(Aside to Barack) I thought we were rid of
her. What on earth could she want?
BARACK
Probably an appointment as Ambassador to
Russia since she wouldn't have to leave home.
(to Sasha) Find out what she wants.
SASHA
What do you want? (Pause) She wants to know
if Cheney left any of his shotguns lying around.
MICHELLE
(Aside to Barack) Probably another wedding
in the family.
BARACK
Tell her no, but ask her if she'd be interested
in a used defibrillator.
SASHA
No on the shotgun, but do you want an old
defibrallator? (Pause) She says "What's a
defibrillator?"
MICHELLE
Tell her to look in her current issue of "Cardio
World."
BARACK
(Losing patience) Forget it, Sasha. Just hang up.
SASHA
Sorry, I have to go now. (Sound of hanging up)
(Sasha comes back into the room.)
MALIA
What did she say?
SASHA
"You betcha!"
(Shimmer screen. Scene dissolves, ethereal music under)
(INT. BEDROOM. John and Cindy McCain in a
huge four-poster. John is wearing an old-fashioned
night cap and a chin strap and Cindy's hair is in
curlers. Dentures rest in a glass of water on the
night stand on John's side.)
CINDY
(Shaking him awake) John! John! Wake up.
You were having a nightmare.
JOHN
(Rubs his eyes) Gee, it was so real. Everything
was so clear.
CINDY
Was it the Viet Cong again?
JOHN
No, not this time.
CINDY
The Keating Five investigating committee?
JOHN
No.
CINDY
Joe the Plumber?
JOHN
No.
CINDY
What was it then? What did you see?
JOHN
Honey, I think we lost the election to the Cosbys!
(To be continued...)
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