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THUR-SUN, April 18, 19, 20, 21, 2013

REMEMBERING JONATHAN WINTERS




SMALL WORLD -- California Health officials closed down Disneyland for unsafe working conditions.  How unsafe?  Well, it seems that employees who play Mickey Mouse have to match Mickey's physical characteristics exactly -- he has three fingers.  So, let's just say in Disney's defense, they did pay the surgeon.

ROLEXVILLE -- Enforcing law and order in a billionnaires' paradise is a little different.  For instance, Dubai cops have a  Lamborghini in their fleet.  Too extravagant?  Not really.  You need impressive wheels when you're charging suspects with with offenses like wearing an Oxford tie having graduated from Eaton, or driving under the influence of an off-year champagne.

DUMBO DISTILLERS -- A Japanese brewery is producing a beer distilled from the dung of elephants.  Several bottles of it and you wake up with the mother of all headaches but you don't care because suddenly you can remember everything that ever happened in your life -- except that you actually drank beer made from elephant dung.
 

THINK YOUNG -- Pop thrush Beyonce has been signed to warble a TV commercial for Pepsi.  They'll have to hire a supermodel for the commercials to be shown in New York City.  Under Mayor Bloomberg, no singer for a sugary drink is allowed to weigh over 16 ounces.

PULLET POWER -- The Hollywood pop community is abuzz over rumors of the imminent breakup of Ozzy Osbourne and wife Sharon.  For what it's worth, fans can be thankful that the couple had to foresight to sign an iron-proof prenup.  She gets the homes, the cars, the stocks and bonds and Ozzy gets the chicken heads.
 

PUCK PRACTICE -- Preparing their players for what appears to be inevitable -- the disclosure that some of their most "masculine" players are gay -- some NHL teams are offering homophobia workshops in how not to wince, snicker, or make snide remarks just because someone knows how to make fondue.


ACHILLES HEEL -- A 35.64 caret pink diamond known as "The Princie" sold in New York for $39.4 million.  Everyone was surprised -- not by the price but by the purchaser.  Who would have dreamed Kobe Bryant could possibly manage to get into trouble with his wife while hobbling around on crutches?


AND THE WINNER IS... -- Neil Meron and Craig Zadan will return to produce the Oscar telecast again in March, 2014 which will introduce a new segment.  Along with the usual Irving Thalberg Award, Lindsay Lohan will present rehab's most promising newcomer with the first annual "Charlie Sheen Trophy."


 
 

SIGN LANGUAGE -- An umpire working a minor league game in New Mexico was criticized by civil rights groups for not allowing Latino teammates to communicate on the field in their native language.  Lucky he failed to notice the catcher who was signaling his pitcher in Klingon.
 

GUMBY -- New York's eagerly-awaited, 11-day Tribeca Film Festival will feature an array of documentaries examining the lives of Richard Pryor, Muhammad Ali, Gore Vidal, Elaine Stritch and Moms Mabley.   Well, actually, the Moms Mabley entry is a remastered film on proper dental care produced by the British Health Service. 
 


WITH A TWIST -- Thousands of passengers at airports in New York, Los Angeles and Dallas were stranded after a computer shutdown forced American Airlines to cancel 745 flights.  There's a plus side, though.  Until now aeronautical engineers didn't know that aircraft software can be cooked by vodka spilled on a pilot's altimeter-setting keyboard. 
 

WE'VE GOT THE GREEN! -- If California legislators have their way, companies like Payday Advance that prey on low-income wage earners will be allowed to extend only six high-interest loans a year per individual borrower.  The new measure has been named the "Gary Coleman Bill" in honor of the industry's most famous spokesperson.
 
GREAT TECHTATOR -- Hundreds of Charlie Chaplin impersonators paraded through the streets of Adipur, India celebrating the birthday of the Little Tramp.  Most of the youthful revelers kept their costumes on as they reported for work, pasting Charlie's silent film posters on their cubicle walls at Microsoft. 
 

BOWEL VOWELS -- PBS is airing a medical special called '"Guts With Michael Mosley" which takes viewers on a mini-cam tour of the human digestive system.  Those who saw the pre-screening give the show mixed reviews with one scribe describing it as "Sort of Route 66 on the Hershey Highway." 


(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved) 



THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- Asian singing sensation KAMAL appeared at the Perth Entertainment Center in `1978 for "Bob Hope Down Under."  View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!

www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

SUN - WED, April 14 - 17, 2013

TIGER CUB  -- Never has someone so young ever made the cut at the Masters much less survived through the second round, but China's 16 year old eighth-grader Tianlang Guan did just that.  Just a typical teen otherwise, though.  While he chips and putts like an adult, he still had to be cautioned several times by officials not to text while driving. 
 

RE-MAXED OUT -- While home prices nationwide are starting to creep back up, a recent survey shows that Washington, DC remains the most expensive city in which to find affordable housing.  Tell Mitt Romney about it.  Spent millions and millions trying to score a house there and is still living in Massachusetts.
 

JUDD MUD -- GOP Minority Leader Mitch McConnell called in the FBI to investigate how his campaign team was illegally taped plotting to dig up mud on potential opponent Ashley Judd.  Serious stuff -- like using the diamond lane with fewer than two occupants and tearing the label off her mattress.
 

COIN TOSS -- For years, NFL coaches have denied the  probability that some of their best players are gay, but it may soon be confirmed according to a New York Post article.  Not that some preparations haven't been made.  For instance, several teams now enforce locker room bans on Lisa Minnelli and Bette Midler pinups.  



GEEZER.COM -- Surveys show that more than half of seniors over 55 are now online and fully one-third of them regularly use social media sites like Facebook.  There are numerous senior apps including Google's "Guide to Handicapped Parking Spaces" and Windows "Help getting Out of the Car." 


NO COMPRENDE -- Writers at the Associated Press will no longer be allowed to refer to undocumented aliens as "illegal immigrants."  According to leaked internal memos, "undocumented alien" will be the next to go because it sounds too much like "space alien."  Why not just call them what they are?  "The majority."
 

PARTY  BOAT -- The 265 foot mega-yacht "Air" owned by vodka tycoon Yuri Shefler is docked at Marina del Rey. With seven suites, a 26-foot pool, steam rooms and a helipad, she's available for charter at $1 million per week.  Not during Spring Break, though.  Several USC fraternities got there first.   




 

OZZED -- In London, protesters chanting "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead!" celebrated the death at age 87 of former PM Margaret Thatcher.  The protesters continue to decry her hawk-like stance during the Falklands War, her friendship with Ronald Reagan, and her proposals to make annual dental visits mandatory.
 

NOT MASTERED  -- Fans are still debating whether Tiger should have disqualified himself for signing his scorecard without  deducting two penalty shots.  Hey, the guy never learned how to press the "delete" button on his Blackberry -- so all of a sudden he's an accountant?
 

LIGHT SHOW -- Two customers at a Raleigh, NC gun show were struck by bird shot when a newly purchased shotgun discharged.  The blast caused the lights to go out, but luckily, there was enough illumination for medical personnel to ID the victims from the reflected rednecks.


EARS 'N' TAILS -- The mansion used by Hugh Hefner to warehouse his B and C Team Bunnies across the street from the familiar Playboy Mansion is being offered for sale at $11 million -- or, as the figure was explained to the home's current occupants "both hands and one toe."

SERIOUS OFFERS ONLY -- While the usual weekend lookiloos aren't allowed to tour the pricey Bunny Hutch, the property is available for viewing by appointment only through a licenced realtor.  The listing agent is a spin-off of "Re-Max" called "Bo-Tox-Max."
 
PRESS RELEASED -- The winery owned by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie has introduced its first cases of premium Cabernet Sauvignon and Merlo reds.  While pretty much out of reach of the average wage-earner, a more affordable Chardonnay will soon be available at Trader Joe's under the label "Two Buck Brad."
 
WATER TORTURE -- A recent study on nutrition and health released in Great Britain concluded that a diet rich in processed meat can be a precursor to illness and premature death.  Most of the world's leading nutritionists were shocked.  They had no idea the Brits used a process other than boiling it in hot water.
 
(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved) 


THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- Film star VIRGINIA MAYO appeared on "Bob Hope's The Women I Love" special. View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!  
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers
 

OVER I,OOO,OOO VIEWS!


FRI, SAT, April 12, 13, 2013

MASTERS SCHMASTERS -- The best greenside wizards  in the world including Phil Mickelson, Bubba Watson and Tiger Woods have gathered at Augusta National to go head-to-head on one of the toughest courses in golf.  Does this really make sense?  Just to win an ill-fitting sports jacket they can wear in public only on St. Patrick's Day. 
 

HANDS ON -- To prepare them for soaring student loans, the California Legislature will require high school seniors to take a course in personal finance that will cover budgeting, interest calculation and interpretation of the menu symbols they'll need to operate a cash register at McDonald's.
 

LOUVRE IT OR LEAVE IT -- In Paris, curators at the Louve Museum walked off the job protesting the bands of pickpockets who target visitors and staff.   A press conference was cancelled when a union spokesman discovered his prepared notes had been snatched from his inside jacket pocket on his way to the podium.




 

USED IN A SENTENCE -- Officials of the annual National Spelling Bee announced a major rules change.  From now on, finalists must define the word as well as spell it successfully.  Isn't that a little like asking a rap "artist" to translate what the hell he was saying.

WEINERSCHNITZEL -- With his expulsion from Congress for Twittering his junk well behind him, former Congressman Anthony Weiner is seriously considering a run for mayor of New York City -- at least he told reporters he's almost ready to toss his Jockey Shorts in the ring. 




 




 (Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved)
 

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- Film legend Rhonda Fleming appeared on "Bob Hope's The Women I Love" special.  View over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!

Click here:
 www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

OVER 1,000,000 VIEWS!

THURSDAY, April 11, 2013

COLOR COORDINATED -- Turns out that America's longtime love affair with mac 'n' cheese may have been due to a harmful yellow dye that Kraft has been using to make the whole magilla seem more visually appealing.   Some intercepted inter-office memos show that Kraft scientists refer to the dye as "Cher."
 

PRICE CHECK! -- Ralph's and Food For Less markets in California and Arizona will soon install 225 hybrid auto charging station in their parking lots.  Most will dispense a full charge but there will be several "express" chargers for 12 miles worth or less.
 

DIGGING OUT -- The ban on alcoholic beverages in the dugout has been so successful, it's been extended to include MLB farm teams.  This is just the first phase of a three-pronged dugout cleanup that officials hope will extend players' lives.  First no alcohol... next no chewing tobacco... and finally, no Hollywood bimbos.
 

GREENS FEES -- Nike has launched a new ad campaign featuring Tiger Woods  with the theme "Winning Solves Everything" -- even though it didn't help him much keeping ex-wife Elin from getting the homes, the cars, the investment property, the bank accounts, the stocks, the bonds, and the convertible debentures.   But it sets up Nike's next campaign:  "Money Isn't Everything."   
 

MR. SANDMAN -- A new sleep study concluded that 58% of sleepwalkers when awakened suddenly can lash out violently and injure themselves and those around them.   The percentage rises to almost 100% if they awaken to find that they're in bed with a Kardashian.
 

(Contents Copyright (c) 2013 by Robert L. Mills  All Rights Reserved) 

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY -- MARY MARTIN appeared on "Bob Hope Salutes West Point" in 1981.  See Mary and view over 550 classic vintage video clips of Bob Hope Specials available nowhere else!  Each are dated the year they originally aired on NBC from the 1977-78 season to 1991-92.  Included are segments from 1978's "Bob Hope Down Under" from Perth, Australia and 1979's "Bob Hope in China" taped in Peking and Shanghai (with Mikhail Baryshnikov).  Take a trip down Memory Lane that you won't soon forget!  
Click on:
www.youtube.com/thelaughmakers

OVER 1,000,000 VIEWS!
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BOB HOPE'S 1983 U.S. COLLEGE CAMPUS TOUR: Your Alma Mater Here?

"Having spent twenty years writing for the indefatigable Bob Hope, and traveling all over the world, Bob Mills is well qualified to salute the famous corps of gag men who kept the comedian knee-deep in jokes. These first-hand recollections summon up the final phase of Hope’s career—and the end of the trail for an entire brand of show business."

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Compiled from Bob's newsletter "Funnyside Up" published in 2000. This is a yuck and chuckle-filled stroll down memory lane to a time before the Bush administration had inflicted its damage -- a time before the search for WMDs and Osama bin Laden. See what we were laughing at back then, who was in the news and who had yet to enter rehab -- which NFL stars had yet to do time in the Gray Bar Hotel.

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