TUESDAY, December 8, 2009

O.B.

ORLANDO (AP) - With a running total of seven alleged mistresses emerging from the woodwork at Tiger Woods' Islewood mansion, the latest, Mindy Lawton, a restaurant manager, says he squired her to the "Blue Martini" nightclub, following which they repaired to his digs and proceeded to have "hot and steamy sex everywhere but in the bedroom." Which has Tiger's greenside fans in a state of shock to say the least. It's the first time on record that the Tige managed to find the rough on every hole.

JUMPIN' BE-JEBBIES

SPOKANE, WA. (AP) - More than 500 plaintiffs including Native Alaskans, have filed claims of decades-long sexual abuse as children against the Oregon Province of the Society of Jesus, an elite order of educators founded by St. Thomas Acquinus and affectionately known within the Catholic Church as "Jebbies." They now stand accused of abusing students in Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Montana and Alaska and among devout Catholics, the revelations are like learning that the Green Berets were abusing inmates at Guantani-- oops, bad example.
______________________________________

[] AT LAST... THE WAIT IS OVER! Just in time for Holiday gifting, the long-anticipated audio version of THE LAUGH MAKERS, read unabridged by the author, debuted today and is now available in MP3 at $25.95 US or 10 CDs at $33.95 US.

Your next motor trip or endless airport wait will fly by as you listen to the fascinating, hilarious and priceless stories of goings-on behind the scenes at the "Bob Hope Show" from the mid-1970s to the mid-1990s. It's the end of an era -- one that will be long remembered and fondly missed by those of a certain age.

This Holiday Season, relive the joy of the Bob Hope Christmas Specials which became an American tradition.

Wondering what to get your loved ones that won't be "re-gifted"? Wonder no longer. It's a gift they'll cherish forever. Operators are, as they say, standing by.
www.bearmanoraudio.com
______________________________________

11-7
JAY WALKING

BURBANK (AP) - After weeks of negotiation and swerling rumors, cable behemoth Comcast has announced that it will acquire NBC-Universal Television for $30 billion with a goal of creating a "synergy of video-on-demand access across a variety of electronic devices," according to a company spokesman. While the full details of the acquisition are still being hammered out, sources within both camps have confirmed that Comcast offered an additional $10 billion if the sale didn't include Leno.

CAT'S MEOW

NEW YORK (BBC) - For a study commissioned by Nestle Purina PetCare's Friskies to determine the activity level of house cats when left alone, research scientist Dr. Jill Villareal placed kitty-cams around the necks of fifty felines that recorded their movements over a 24-hour period. The photos showed that 22% of the cats' time was spent peering out of windows, 12% interacting with other family pets, 8% climbing on furniture, and 6% sleeping. Contrary to pre-study assumptions, the subjects spent only 6% of their time making love on the back fence, 4.5% shredding the couch and 1% smothering babies.

SEOUL MATES

STOCKHOLM (BBC) - In an attempt to "open up relations with a hard-line Communist nation," and despite opposition from Sweden's PUB Department store, three Swedish entreprenuers have founded Noko Jeans to sell designer-priced garments manufactured at a textile plant in North Korea. The all-black jeans -- North Koreans consider denim "too American" -- will sell for $200 a pair and will be available in two styles: the "Douglas MacArthurs" in camouflage, and the "Maos" with distinctive red stitching.

ALL ABOARD!

TOKYO (BBC) - The Odakyu Hotel in Shinjuku and the Hotel Mets Akabane in the Japanese capital have set aside special rooms and suites that offer Japan's 20,000 train-spotting hobbiests -- estimated to spend $40 million a year on the pastime -- a clear view of nearby tracks and railway timetables to schedule their viewing. Not to be outdone, a Holiday Inn near LA's Union Station now offers visiting tourists in-house videos of the latest Metro-Link gate-crossing accidents.
________________________

[] FREE MP3 Audio Excerpt from THE LAUGH MAKERS (8 min.)

"Bob Hope In Australia 1978: Customs Sketch" Hope, Florence Henderson, and Barbara Eden are hasseled by an Aussie customs officer played by Charo.

http://www.learnoutloud.com/Resources/Authors-and-Narrators/Robert-L.-Mills/15301
________________________

11-4
LOOK BACK in LAUGHTER

These lines appeared in the February 9, 2000 issue of Dr. Digit's predecessor, "Funny Side Up."

GILDED CAGEVILLE -- According to Department of Justice stats, there are now 2,000,000 Americans behind bars, the largest convict-to-population ratio in the world. Penologists pin the increase on three major factors -- drugs, domestic violence and the NFL.

STICKY THUMBS -- Film critic Rex Reed was arrested for shoplifting three CD's from a New York City Tower Records store. Later, Reed said the arrest "suffered from mediocre direction, several cops who were obviously miscast and poor lighting that resulted in a totally unconvincing mug shot."

DOUBLE DIGITS -- Attempting to curb declining military enlistments, Spain has lowered the minimum IQ of recruits to 70. They're getting dangerously close to NBA territory.

DONCHA LOVETTE -- Julia Roberts deflected reports that she's not a very nice person by saying, "I think it's because I'm tall and really very smart... It often becomes intimidation to people who aren't very smart. Julia is scheduled to receive a new honorary Oscar this year -- the Cecil B. DeMille Humility Award.

"THIS SIDE UP" -- To avoid empty planes, UPS is transporting human passengers on weekends only. Surefire tipoffs that you've booked Air-UPS:

<1> You're bumped off your first flight by an Amana side-by-side.

<2> You're secured with several strands of good, sturdy twine.

<3> Plane is double-parked at the boarding ramp.

<4> Crew wears brown uniforms and pilot is in shorts.

<5> On arrival, you're propped beside the front door to the airport.

POISON PEN -- The IRS has drafted a new, less abrasive and threatening letter to taxpayers whose returns are being audited. "We're on to you, you lying, cheating scumbag" was drawing complaints.

'GUINS GRINNING -- Unseasonably mild weather and abundant food has resulted in a 40% increase in the penguin population near Japan's Showa Antarctic expedition base. But despite the increase, they all still look exactly alike.

SEE WHO SALUTES -- To counter increasing complaints, the governor of South Carolina proposed switching the Confederate flag from the statehouse dome to a monument of General Wade Hampton, civil war hero. You remember the general. His great grandson Billy Bob was the official moonshine caterer on the "Dukes of Hazzard."

LADIEEEE! -- Jerry Lewis stunned an audience at the Aspen, Colo Comedy Arts Festival by saying "I don't like any female comedians. A woman doing comedy doesn't offend me but sets me back a bit." Much like the sight of an aging egomaniac acting like a six-year old sets back everyone but the French.
_______________________________________________________________
[||||] Words To Live By [||||]

Until next time, I leave you with the immortal words of...

Joan of Arc whose last words were reported to be "Nice lighter. A gift?"

Jack Benny after signing a long-term contract with new sponsor Jello: "Gentlemen, you've just witnessed custard's last stand."
_______________________________

STU'S SHOW (LIVE, 4:00 p.m. PT/7:00 p.m. ET, with rebroadcasts daily at the same time) - Comedy writer/author BOB MILLS ("The Laugh Makers") is the in-studio guest. Bob went from a lawyer passing the bar to a comedy writer in desperate need of a bar! He began working on Dinah Shore's 1970s talk show, segued to the "Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts", then was hired by Bob Hope in 1977 and remained with the grand marshal of show business until his retirement in 1994. We'll talk about some of the 85 Hope specials Mills worked on and how the shows were assembled - the monologues, the sketches, the "forced banter talking heads" segments between Hope and his guests, and we'll also find out just what Hope was like behind-the-scenes. All this plus your e-mails and phone calls!
LISTEN NOW TO SHOKUS INTERNET RADIO AT WWW.SHOKUSRADIO.COM
_______________________________

12-3
CLUB SCENE

ORLANDO (AP) - As investigators of his mysterious late night collision with a fire hydrant and a neighbor's tree concluded that Tiger Woods was responsible and assessed a fine of $164 for "careless driving," Tiger faces allegations from yet another woman, Jaimee Grubbs, who claims in US Magazine that she met him in a nightclub and had sex with him over a two year period. Which puts the Tiger's Green Jackets in jeopardy --- under PGA rules, participants are limited to carrying 14 clubs and one mistress.

=30= ROCK

HOLLYWOOD (AP) - Alec Baldwin, star of the small screen's "30 Rock" and silver screen hits like "Casino" and "Glen Garry, Glen Ross," told an interviewer for Gentlemens' Quarterly Magazine that he generally considers his career as an actor "a failure" and will leave the profession to pursue other opportunities as soon as his contract with the producers of "30 Rock" expires in 2012. He made the decision after conferring with his agents, his managers, his clergyman, and the Mayan calendar.

DESIGNER GENES

LONDON (AP) - In an attempt to learn why women outlive men worldwide, a new study conducted by geneticists at Tokyo's University of Agriculture indicates that men carry the seeds of their own destruction in genes present in their sperm that allow them to grow bigger bodies than females, but at the expense of their own longevity. Extensive experiments on mice suggest that the destructive genes somehow attach themselves to the unique male genes that block the memory required to return a toilet seat to the "down" position and to recall instances where asking a stranger for directions was successful.

SAY "CHEESE"

PARIS (BBC) - Alledging that her 87- year old mother is no longer in control of her faculties, Francoise Battencourt-Meyers, the daughter of Europe's richest woman, L'Oreal heiress Liliane Bettencourt (worth an estimated 12 billion), has petitioned the French High Court to place Liliane in a conservatorship. Battencourt-Meyers alleges that her mother has been swindled out of almost $1 billion by Francois-Marie Banier, her 62-year old photographer. She may have a valid complaint since the original meaning of "banier," used extensively during the French Revolution, was "Bernie Madoff."
_______________________________
STU'S SHOW (LIVE, 4:00 p.m. PT/7:00 p.m. ET, with rebroadcasts daily at the same time) - Comedy writer/author BOB MILLS ("The Laugh Makers") is the in-studio guest. Bob went from a lawyer passing the bar to a comedy writer in desperate need of a bar! He began working on Dinah Shore's 1970s talk show, segued to the "Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts", then was hired by Bob Hope in 1977 and remained with the grand marshal of show business until his retirement in 1994. We'll talk about some of the 85 Hope specials Mills worked on and how the shows were assembled - the monologues, the sketches, the "forced banter talking heads" segments between Hope and his guests, and we'll also find out just what Hope was like behind-the-scenes. All this plus your e-mails and phone calls!
LISTEN NOW TO SHOKUS INTERNET RADIO AT WWW.SHOKUSRADIO.COM
_______________________________

12-2
WHAT HAPPENS HERE

Las Vegas (AP) - In the midst of the worst depression in Las Vegas history with room prices down 25% from last year and unemployment at 13.3%, the Aria Resort and Casino will open their 67-acre, 5900-room, six tower complex on December 10, offering the most generous incentives in hospitality industry history. Visitors who reserve a penthouse with three or more balconies will have their bed turned down each night by either Cher, Bette Midler or Wayne Newton, while those requesting suites with three or more rooms receive a complementary hooker or Chippendale dancer, their choice.

GRIM REAPER

SEATTLE (AP) -Microsoft has confirmed that it is investigating a problem described as the "Black Screen of Death" which affects Windows 7, its latest operating system, as well as some users of Vista, XP, NT and Windows 2000 --- a total of several million web surfers. The black screen appears when the user logs on and after his desktop, task bar, system tray and side bar have disappeared. It should not be confused, however, with the harmless "Green Screen of Discomfort" that mysteriously appears for several seconds during Vista startup whenever Bill Gates is reading Google's quarterly report.

WILLIE HORTONIZED

SEATTLE (AP) - Turns out that former Arkansas governor Mike Hukebee, the GOP presidential contender who appealed to that segment of the party who pedestalize ersatz pulpit pounders from the south, turned loose four times as many cons during his term as governor than his three predecessors (including Clinton) combined --- and in the process commuted the 108 year sentence of Maurice Clemons who assassinated those four Seattle cops. Well, Pastor Mike can be sure of one thing --- that other cheek he turned won't ever appear on Mt. Rushmore.

HEAD HUNTERS

PERSION GULF (BBC) World oil prices spiked 2% on release of the news that Iran had arrested five British sailors from the racing yacht "Kingdom of Bahrain" after they inadvertently veered into Iranian waters while on their way from Bahrain to compete in the Dubai-Muscat Offshore Sailing Race. While full details of the capture are still coming in, a spokesman for the yacht-owner Sail Bahrain told reporters that trouble apparently began when the Skipper allowed Gilligan to take the helm when he had to go below to break up a fight between Mrs. Howell, the professor and Ginger over whose turn it was to clean the head.
_______________________________
STU'S SHOW (LIVE, DEC. 2, 4:00 p.m. PT/7:00 p.m. ET, with rebroadcasts daily at the same time) - Comedy writer/author BOB MILLS ("The Laugh Makers") is the in-studio guest. Bob went from a lawyer passing the bar to a comedy writer in desperate need of a bar! He began working on Dinah Shore's 1970s talk show, segued to the "Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts", then was hired by Bob Hope in 1977 and remained with the grand marshal of show business until his retirement in 1994. We'll talk about some of the 85 Hope specials Mills worked on and how the shows were assembled - the monologues, the sketches, the "forced banter talking heads" segments between Hope and his guests, and we'll also find out just what Hope was like behind-the-scenes. All this plus your e-mails and phone calls!
LISTEN NOW TO SHOKUS INTERNET RADIO AT WWW.SHOKUSRADIO.COM
_______________________________

12-1
OLD, NEW, BORROWED & BLUE

Columbia University co-ed, Chelsea Clinton, daughter of ex-US President Bill Clinton and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, has announced her engagement to marry her long-time boyfriend, Marc Mezvinsky, a banker at Goldman Sachs and the son of Ed Mezvinsky, a former member of Congress and friend of the Clintons who served six years in prison for bank and wire fraud. Well, there's a sigh of relief. And we all thought with her genetic background, Chelsea might encounter difficulty finding a young man with rock solid ethical values.

DESERT FOX TROT

BAGHDAD (AP) - Officials in Iraq are at a loss to explain who is behind a mysterious Saddam Hussein satellite channel that suddenly appeared on the Islamic calendar's second anniversary of his 2007 execution and that's intended, according to a spokesman for the channel's owner, "to entertain Iraqis who long for the former dictator's rule." Initial programming includes a sitcom called "Two and a Half Baathists," a home makeover show called "Redecorate Your Spider Hole" and a game show hosted by Lou Dobbs on the banks of the Euphrades called "Name That Wetback!"

AT SELECTED THEATERS

WASHINGTON (AP) - Under the terms of a new agreement with several large corporations, the National Park Service will soon begin receiving a share of any profits realized by research scientists from "bioprospecting" --- the conducting of research on federal parkland. Expected to be included in the profit-sharing plan are the box-office grosses of Disney's latest wildlife adventure shot during California's wild fires last summer called "Smokey the Bear: Home for the Holidays --- Singed But Happy."

LOOK! UP IN THE SKY!

KRAKOW (BBC) - A team of scientists from Jagiellonian University Hospital and
released by the Radiological Society of North America shows that, when confronted by danger, men are more likely than women to take action, while women showed stronger activity in an area of the brain associated with memory. Which is why Superman could fly faster than a speeding bullet, jump tall buildings in a single bound but still couldn't remember to dress appropriately before leaving the house on assignment and why Lois invariably had to tell him the location of the nearest phone booth.

_______________________________
STU'S SHOW (LIVE, 4:00 p.m. PT/7:00 p.m. ET, with rebroadcasts daily at the same time) - Comedy writer/author BOB MILLS ("The Laugh Makers") is the in-studio guest. Bob went from a lawyer passing the bar to a comedy writer in desperate need of a bar! He began working on Dinah Shore's 1970s talk show, segued to the "Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts", then was hired by Bob Hope in 1977 and remained with the grand marshal of show business until his retirement in 1994. We'll talk about some of the 85 Hope specials Mills worked on and how the shows were assembled - the monologues, the sketches, the "forced banter talking heads" segments between Hope and his guests, and we'll also find out just what Hope was like behind-the-scenes. All this plus your e-mails and phone calls!
LISTEN NOW TO SHOKUS INTERNET RADIO AT WWW.SHOKUSRADIO.COM
_______________________________

11-30
MIDNIGHT LESSON

WINDEMERE, FL (AP) - Greens-king Tiger Woods was injured when he struck a fire hydrant and hit a neighbor's tree while backing his 2009 Cadillac Escalade out of his driveway in the exclusive gated community of Isleworth. He was treated for cuts and bruises at Health Central Hospital in nearby Ocoee, Florida and released. According to Windermere police, he was extricated from the vehicle by his wife Elin using a golf club. Think maybe he didn't want to get out? Doctors estimated that he lost about a pint of blood while explaining the advantages of an over-lapping versus an interlocking grip.

DEBBIE DOES JAKARTA

PADANG, SUMATRA (BBC) - Indonesia's Communication and Information Minister, Tifatul Sembiring, told a prayer meeting in the capital that the recent rash of natural disasters is directly attributable to rampant immorality throughout the country as evidenced by the easy availability of locally-produced pornography. He reminded them of St. Paul's letter to the Sodomites in which he cautions "If thou art prone to porn, makest sure thou art notteth over a fault line or ineth the path of a typhoon."

TWINKLE TWINKLE

CARDIFF (BBC) - The death throes of the largest star known to science which is 30-40 times as massive as the sun have been observed by Europe's newest space telescope, Herschel, launched last May. Named VY Canis Majoris, the mega-star is 4,500 light-years from earth, is in the constellation Canis Major, and detailed spectroscopic analysis indicate that it could explode at any time. Which should come as no surprise. Some of earth's so-called "collosal stars" have been known to experience a collosal fizzle on occasion. Ever wonder what happened to Marisa Tomai? Or Mira Sorvino? Or Will Farrell?

IRISH EYES NOT SMILING

DUBLIN (AP) - Holding up a 720 page report on 60,000 molestation cases of boys and girls that his three predecessors --- including a cardinal --- had kept secret for three decades, Archbishop Diarmuid Martin said he felt "deep shame and sorrow" for the unchecked child abuse by 19 Catholic orders of nuns, priests and brothers in schools and orphanages throughout Ireland. One priest has admitted abusing over 100 children and another confessed to abusing one child "every two weeks for 25 years." Police Commissioner Fachtna Murphy apologized for devoutly Catholic police officials who routinely "handed the complaints back to Church leaders to sort out themselves." Think Jesus may be calling Muhammad, Allah and Buddha for advice on how to handle acute embarrassment?
_______________________________
STU'S SHOW (LIVE, 4:00 p.m. PT/7:00 p.m. ET, with rebroadcasts daily at the same time) - Comedy writer/author BOB MILLS ("The Laugh Makers") is the in-studio guest. Bob went from a lawyer passing the bar to a comedy writer in desperate need of a bar! He began working on Dinah Shore's 1970s talk show, segued to the "Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts", then was hired by Bob Hope in 1977 and remained with the grand marshal of show business until his retirement in 1994. We'll talk about some of the 85 Hope specials Mills worked on and how the shows were assembled - the monologues, the sketches, the "forced banter talking heads" segments between Hope and his guests, and we'll also find out just what Hope was like behind-the-scenes. All this plus your e-mails and phone calls!
LISTEN NOW TO SHOKUS INTERNET RADIO AT WWW.SHOKUSRADIO.COM
_______________________________

11-27
ROCK CONCERT COPS

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - A couple decked out in designer formal wear managed to elude Secret Service scrutiny when they showed up at Barack Obama's first state dinner for the India's Minister, Manhohan Singh, freely working the room whilst meeting Joe Biden, Katie Couric, Rahm Emanuel, and D.C. mayor Adrian Fenty --- all after successfully convincing Secret Service magnemometer screeners that they had been invited. Embarrassed Security spokesman Ed Donovan was at a loss to explain why one of the 300 guests didn't recognize the Palins and notify authorities.

LOU'S ON FIRST

ATLANTA (AP) - Former CNN host, Lou Dobbs, who shocked fans with his sudden announcement last month that he would be leaving the cable net after 29 years behind the desk, has confirmed that he challenge New Jersey's Sen. Robert Mendez, the Senate's only Latino. Actually Lou's well on his way to formally declaring his candidacy, having successfully gathered endorsements from the Amalgamated Restaurant Busboy's Union, the Association of Ethnic Gardeners of Southern California, the Central Valley Lettuce Harvesters, Mariachis-On-Call, Paul Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez.

FOOL ME ONCE

LONDON (BBC) Online encyclopaedia Wikipedia, the online information service where visitors amend and update the entries, has announced the departure of 49,000 of its volunteer editors during the first three months of this year, compared to a loss of only 4900 the previous year. Said Michael Peel of Wikimedia UK, "We believed that simply by not paying them, they would become used to seeing their names in print and continue providing our company valuable content for free. Frankly, we're still at a loss to explain their sudden departure."

WORM TURNS

SYDNEY (BBC) - Ashley Townes, the 21-year-old computer hacker who invented "Ikee," the first worm to infect the newly-introduced iPhone that changed the phone's wallpaper to a photo of Australia's 60's pop icon Rick Astley, has been awarded a lucritive position designing software for Mogeneration, iPhone's applications developer. In a shockingly similar story, aides to Barack Obama are denying reports that the president is considering the appointment of Sarah Palin as the new U.S. Ambassador to the country of Africa.
_______________________________

STU'S SHOW (WED., DEC. 2, LIVE, 4:00 p.m. PT/7:00 p.m. ET, with rebroadcasts daily at the same time) - Comedy writer/author BOB MILLS ("The Laugh Makers") is the in-studio guest. Bob went from a lawyer passing the bar to a comedy writer in desperate need of a bar! He began working on Dinah Shore's 1970s talk show, segued to the "Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts", then was hired by Bob Hope in 1977 and remained with the grand marshal of show business until his retirement in 1994. We'll talk about some of the 85 Hope specials Mills worked on and how the shows were assembled - the monologues, the sketches, the "forced banter talking heads" segments between Hope and his guests, and we'll also find out just what Hope was like behind-the-scenes. All this plus your e-mails and phone calls!
LISTEN NOW TO SHOKUS INTERNET RADIO AT WWW.SHOKUSRADIO.COM
_______________________________

11-26
NO ROAMIN' FOR ROMAN

ZURICH (BBC) - A Swiss court has set bail at $4.5 million for film-maker Roman Polanski who has been held since September on a 1978 guilty plea for having sex with a 13-year old in the U.S. Pending appeal by government prosecutors, terms of the bail would require the diminutive film auteur to submit to electronic monitoring at his Swiss chalet which would prevent him from leaving the country or attending the International Convention of Girl Scouts scheduled to convene shortly in Bern.

'BOON BOOM

CAPE TOWN (AP) - A marauding band of 29 baboons, led by an instigator well-known to police as "Fred," staged a daring raid on four cars near the popular tourists' destination, Simon's Town, climbing on hoods, forcing doors open and eating picnic lunches. The troupe, one of about 17 that routinely terrorize visitors and are shielded by South Africa's Protected Species Act, includes a well-known trio who operate as a team --- "Butch." "Sundance" and their girlfriend, "Etta."

PAUSE THAT REFRESHES

MUMBAI (BBC) - A Cathay Pacific flight en route to Dubai was forced to make an unscheduled landing in India after the crew determined that not one toilet --- out of ten on the Air Bus --- was in working order. Engineers are checking for the source of a rash of mysterious toilet blockages that has plagued the carrier in recent weeks. Until the source of the problem is isolated, as an accomodtion to passengers, all Cathay flights are screening "Waterworld," the film in which Kevin Costner drinks his own urine.

LAND O' COTTON

MENLO PARK, CA (AP) - In response to complaints of web surfers over an altered photo of Michelle Obama as a monkey, Google issued this statement: "Google views the integrity of our search results as an extremely important priority. Accordingly, we do not remove a page from our search results simply because we receive complaints concerning it. We hope you understand our position regarding offensive results." In defense of Google, they also rank Ku Klux Klan sites without censoring them.
________________________

[] FREE MP3 Audio Excerpt from THE LAUGH MAKERS (4 min.)

"Using the Great Wall of China as a Hollywood Backdrop" Bob Hope sings "We're Off on the Road to China" atop the wall cleared of tourists.

http://www.learnoutloud.com/Resources/Authors-and-Narrators/Robert-L.-Mills/15301
________________________

11-25
CUSTOM COMFORT

DUSSELDORF (BBC) - An antique car found in a collector's garage has been positively identified as the dark blue 1935 Mercedes 770K convertible once owned by Adolf Hitler and visible in numerous propaganda films of the Fuhrer reviewing his troops as he waved to the crowd from the back seat of the six-ton behemoth. Adding to the vehicle's weight are custom options designed specifically for Hitler including a remote-control dashboard mustache trimmer, a stereo that plays only Wagner, and useless undercoating he was talked into by the dealer.

CASA DE EXILE

CORSIER-SUR-VEVEY, SWITZERLAND (AP) - A mansion on the shore of Lake Geneva that was the home of exiled silent film actor Charlie Chaplin will be converted into a permanent museum open to fans who will be able to examine photos and personal possessions chronicling his remarkable life in early films. Chaplin was the first mega-star of silent movies like "The Champ" and "The Dictator" who became known affectionately as "The Little Tramp" a half century before Hillary Clinton officially adopted the term to refer to Monica Lewinsky.

BED, NO BREAKFAST

MONTREAL (BBC) - In the largest recall in the history of child beds, Stork Craft
Manufacturing Company is calling back for immediate repair or replacement 2.1 million drop-side baby cribs in the United States, some sold with the Fisher-Price label, and one million in Canada, some of which were purchased as far back as 1993. While company officials are saying little on the advice of counsel, evidence so far indicates that the wood used in their manufacture leeched a chemical that, when ingested, caused infants to babble incoherently in no recognizable language.

SHEAR TENACITY

LAKE BOLAK, AUSTRALIA (BBC) - Lucky, the Guinness-recognized world's oldest sheep, has died in Australia at the age of 23 --- twice the normal life expectancy for a sheep --- after succumbing to a record heatwave. Named by Guinness in 2007, Lucky was born in Melbourne in 1986, mothered 35 offspring of her own and enjoyed remarkably good health save for a life-threatening bout of insomnia in 1993 which she managed to survive after being trained to get back to sleep by counting humans.
________________________

[] FREE MP3 Audio Excerpt from THE LAUGH MAKERS (2 min.)

"Johnny Carson --- Mr. Shy" (Johnny was really comfortable only when on stage and felt out-of-place in unfamiliar social settings.)

http://www.learnoutloud.com/Resources/Authors-and-Narrators/Robert-L.-Mills/15301
________________________

11-24
BLESS ME, FATHER

PROVIDENCE, R.I. (AP) - In a disciplinary move reminiscent of the Vatican's treatment of Galileo, Thomas Tobin, the Catholic Bishop of the diocese of Providence, has ordered Rep. Patrick Kennedy to cease receiving Holy Communion during Mass because the Congressman recently condemned Catholic bishops who demanded that the House health care bill contain a provision forbidding abortion funding. Moreover, the good bishop has advised Catholics to send a message to Kennedy in the voting booth. Now, there's a threat --- if anyone knows how to inflict damage on a parishioner in a small, enclosed space, it's a priest.

GOING ROGET

OXFORD (BBC) - To commemorate the 150th anniversary of Charles Darwin's "Origin of Species," a rare first edition of the ground-breaking tome that was recently discovered on the bookshelf in the guest loo of a family home here, will be sold at a Christies auction for what experts believe will be in the range of $100,000. Ironically, the auction will coincide with the awarding of the coveted "Origin of Biblical Claptrap" Trophy from the Society of Myths & Omens to author Sarah Palin for openly embracing "intelligent design."

COUSTEAUVILLE

NEW ORLEANS (AP) - Capping a ten-year census of marine life conducted by oceanographers at Louisiana State University, researchers reported 17,650 species living below 656 feet and 5722 species thriving below 3280 feet that include coral, cities of brittlestars, anemone gardens, yeti crabs, transparent sea cucumbers, "dumbos" that flap earlike fins and tubeworms that feed on underwater oil deposits --- all recently included on the new Dr. Seuss Kids' Menu at the Red Lobster.

PIG PEN OKAY

LONDON (BBC) - A report by researchers at University of California, San Diego found that a common bacterial species that attaches to the skin during early childhood primes the body against allergies and blocks a vital step in a cascade of events that leads to inflammation and dampen down overactive immune responses that can cause cuts and abrasions to swell. A spokeswoman for Alergy UK theorizes that over-sanitizing children has caused alergies to triple in the UK over the past ten years --- the majority of sufferers developing an adverse physical reaction to Amy Winehouse.
________________________

[] FREE MP3 Audio Excerpt from THE LAUGH MAKERS

"The Night the Secret Service Agents Outnumbered Bob Hope's Audience"

http://www.learnoutloud.com/Resources/Authors-and-Narrators/Robert-L.-Mills/15301
________________________

11-23
G STRING

LONDON (BBC) - Alessandra Mussolini, former showgirl, granddaughter of Italian dictator Benito Mussolini, and now a member of Parliament, reported that vials of Il Duce's blood and parts of his brain were stolen from from Milan's Policlinico Hospital where he was taken for autopsy in 1945 after being hung upside down with piano wire in a Milan square. The body parts were later offered on E-Bay for $22,000 and ordered removed when word reached E-Bay officials --- but not before the piano wire sold for $38,247.

PRICE CHECK!

WASHINGTON, D.C. (BBC) - Pointing out that America remains diligent in protecting its state secrets, Justice Department officials announced that retired State Department employee Walter Kendall Myers, 72 and his wife Gwendolyn, 71, have pleaded guilty to charges of passing sensitive government secrets to agents of Fidel Castro for the last 30 years by swapping shopping carts in supermarkets. The penalties imposed were, as expected, harsh. Walter was fined $1.7 million and sentenced to life in prison, Gwendolyn drew 7 1/2 years and both face immediate cancellation of their membership in Ralph's Club.

ECCLESIASTICOMMRADS

ROME (BBC) - Following widespread criticism of the Vatican's offer to welcome disenchanted Anglicans (unhappy with the decision to consecrate women bishops) into the Catholic fold, calling the offer an interference with the Church of England's internal problems, the Archbishop of Canterbury and Pope Benedict XVI have agreed to seek closer relations between their respective flocks. Several sources deep within the Vatican's super-secret Curia have indicated that the Holy Father might be willing to admit that the doctrine of papal infallibility is poppycock if the archbishop will take full responsibility for Amy Winehouse.

YEAR-END CLEARANCE

NEW YORK (BBC) - Attracting excited bidders from around the world, more than 70 items from the estate of the late Michael Jackson went on sale and included the rhinestone-encrusted glove he wore the first time he performed the Moonwalk (sold to a Hong Kong businessman for $420,000), a jacket from his "Bad" tour that fetched $225,000 and a fedora that went for $22,000. Auctioneer Darren Julien admitted the winning bids were higher than expected, but that he hoped to fetch even more for the surgical mask Jackson wore while touring an orphanage in Bangladesh and that still contains one of his former noses.
________________________

[] FREE MP3 Audio Excerpt from THE LAUGH MAKERS

"Off We Go --- Without a Parachute! (On a military flight to Ft. Bragg, the flaps refuse to engage.)

http://www.learnoutloud.com/Resources/Authors-and-Narrators/Robert-L.-Mills/15301
________________________

11-20
LOOK BACK IN LAUGHTER

These lines are from the November 19, 2000 issue of FUNNYSIDE UP, the predecessor of this blog published as a newsletter by www.topica.com


MONARCH MISERY (AP) - The designer of Florida's now infamous "butterfly ballot" says she regrets any confusion it caused elderly voters. Ironically, she got the idea from the Red Lobster's "Butterfly Shrimp Early Bird" menu.


ROUND TABLE SEAT (Reuters) - Queen Elizabeth has knighted Michael Caine. Michael received the honor under his real name, Maurice Micklewhite and the Queen conferred it under her real name, Thelma Ritter.


CARNAGE CURTAILED (USA TODAY) - The US Supreme Court stayed the Texas execution of a man with an IQ of 51 after the governor refused clemency despite clear evidence of mental retardation. The inmate's, not the governor's.


PLOP (AP) - Russia will ditch the Mir Space Station in the Pacific in February. That's the bad news. The good news is all remaining prints of "Battlestar Galactica" will be aboard.


MENTAL YENTL (LA Times) - In his new movie "What Women Want," Mel Gibson can read womens' minds. Complete fantasy, of course. In real life, after "Why is he driving so fast?" "He left the toilet seat up again" and "I should have listened to my mother," what else is there?


TAP DANCING (LA Times) - The Los Angeles city council is about to adopt a $55 million filtration system that will convert raw sewage into drinking water. They figure if TV producers can recycle crap, why can't they?


FORE! (USA Today) - According to Maximum Golf Magazine, Will Smith dropped $60,000 in Las Vegas casinos while filming "The Legend of Bagger Vance." He dropped $47,000 on the front row of slots and $13,000 on the back nine.


RUGRAT HAVEN (US News) - There are now 560 24-hour child care centers in 18 states to serve the harried workaholic. We've had those for years. They're called "orphanages."


DO NOT MICROWAVE (USA Today) - Experts at the US Energy Department now believe that reducing global warming won't be as difficult as initially believed. Thanks to a giant rheostat they found buried in the jungles of Borneo.


EASY RIDER (LA Times) - Dennis Hopper has been name Grand Marshal of the Hollywood Christmas Parade. Giving a whole new meaning to the word "float."


BUDGET BUSTER (LA Daily News) - Elton John told a British Court that his monthly expenses average $2.15 million. Not so much when you figure that includes tips.


NIGHT CLUBBING (LA Times) - NHL puckster Brad May was slapped with a 20-game suspension and a $120,000 fine for slashing an opponent with his stick. Worse, the DA is considering charges of assault, battery and impersonating an LA police officer.


CHECK OUT AT 111 (AP) - An 81-year old former sailor was relocated by the San Francisco Housing Authority after it learned he had lived in the same hotel room for 63 years. As he was being led away, he was heard to mutter, "I never did
find the ice machine."


TREAT TO BEAT (AP) - A United Health Group study ranks New Hampshire the healthiest state and Mississippi the unhealthiest. Except in the area of podiatry where shoelessness tends to promote healthier feet.
________________________

[] FREE MP3 Audio Excerpt from THE LAUGH MAKERS

"Using the Great Wall of China as a Hollywood Backdrop"

http://www.learnoutloud.com/Resources/Authors-and-Narrators/Robert-L.-Mills/15301
________________________

11-19
SPECIAL DELIVERY

NEW YORK (Human Events) - Apparently having never heard of Salman Rushdie, in his book "The Complete Infidel's Guide to the Koran," Islam expert Robert Spencer, whose slogan is "If we don't know the Koran, we can't defeat the jihadists," describes Osama bin Laden's bible as "wrist-slittingly boring as well as confusing, contradictory, and muddled." Funeral services are scheduled for Thursday, Friday and Saturday --- on Monday, Bob was Fed-Exed from Kabul in sections.

MU SHU BARACK

BEIJING (BBC) - From the moment Air force One touched down in China, it was clear that the Peoples Republic's Communist leaders were intent on preventing Barack Obama from delivering his message to the 1.3 billion Chinese people, releasing only a censored version of his comments. Responding to the criticism, Propaganda Minister I. M. Ly Ing denied the allegations of censorship but was unable to explain why Obama's visit merited only a brief mention on the evening news and in the accompanying video clip he was white.

KANGAROO COURT

SYDNEY (BBC) - Claiming to be reflecting the wishes of many Aussies, Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, says he will consider calls for a parliamentary inquiry into the Church of Scientology after letters from former followers surfaced implicating the quasi religious cult in a range of crimes, including forced imprisonment, coerced abortions, physical violence and blackmail. In addition, Nicole Kidman has requested a full investigation into claims made to her by former hubby Tom Cruise that he's the love child of L. Ron Hubbard and Anita Bryant.

BOTTLED IN BOND

PHILADELPHIA (BBC) - A hand-written sent by Abraham Lincoln to an 8-year old boy he met while campaigning for the presidency confirming the meeting to appease the lad's disbelieving classmates has been put up for sale by it's owner who expects it will fetch over $100,000 since it's the only known correspondence written by Lincoln to a child. It's authenticity was confirmed after graphologists determined the note was scratched out on the back of a label he'd torn off a bottle of Jack Daniels during a meeting with Ulysses S. Grant.
________________________

[] FREE MP3 Audio Excerpt from THE LAUGH MAKERS

"The Night the Secret Service Agents Outnumbered Bob Hope's Audience"

http://www.learnoutloud.com/Resources/Authors-and-Narrators/Robert-L.-Mills/15301
________________________

11-18
FIRESIDE CHAT ROOM

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - A previously unavailable collection of 5,000 documents, including personal letters and notes sent by Franklin Deleno Roosevelt to family, friends, government officials and foreign dignateries will soon go on display at the New Deal president's library at Hyde Park. Among several surprising revelations is a handwritten memo that proves he did not say "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." If the memo survives authentication, what he
actually said was "Let me make this clear, I'm moving to Philadelphia."

MU SHU MEMORY

BEIJING (BBC) - China's new Tianhe-1 computer, housed at the National Super Computer Center in Tianjin, has been ranked fifth on the biannual Top 500 supercomputer list joining the U.S.'s Jaguar, Roadrunner and Kraken XT5, and
Germany's Jugene. The machine packs more than 70,000 chips and can compute 563 trillion calculations --- or "teraflops" --- per second. To put this into perspective for the ordinary layman, one teraflop is the approximate amount of the debt currently owed to China by the U.S..

LABOR PAINS

Chansa Kabwela, news editor of the Zambian Post, has been acquitted on distribution of pornography charges that were imposed after she sent photographs of a live human birth to government officials to protest a nurse's strike that had paralyzed Zambia's medical system. The photos so incensed President Rupiah Banda, he ordered Kabwela's arrest. Examining the pictures, a judge told the prosecuting attorney that the depiction of a natural human function, though performed while nude, can not be deemed pornography simply because the mother bears a close resemblance to Paris Hilton.

IL DUCE-COOCHIE

ROME (AP) - In her new book, Claretta Pettaci, who was Mussolini's mistress in the 1930s, discloses that her lover was intensely anti-Semitic and proud that he had been so before Hitler took up the cause, had a prodigious sexual appitite for
both the author and many others, revered Hitler and criticized Pope Pius XI for bad-mouthing the Nazis. The book is entitled "Secret Mussolini." She wanted to call it "Going Rigatoni," but Sarah Palin's publisher threatened to sue.
________________________

[] FREE MP3 Audio Excerpt from THE LAUGH MAKERS

"Off We Go Into the Wild Blue --- Without a Parachute"

http://www.learnoutloud.com/Resources/Authors-and-Narrators/Robert-L.-Mills/15301
________________________

11-17
NIGHT SHIFT

BRISTOL, UK (BBC) - Dr. Brooke Magnanti, research psychologist for The Bristol Initiative for Research of Child Health, told the London Sunday Times that she is Belle de Jour, author of memoirs that were the basis of the British TV series "Secret Diary of a Call Girl," and confessed that she became a high-priced hooker to help defray the cost of graduate school. She told reporters that she was tired of "living a lie" and came clean to avoid becoming depressed over her ongoing charade. Also, she wanted to put a stop to blackmail threats from one of her former male clients, now a patient, who recognized the couch.

DUMP DENIED

ATLANTA (AP) - In an attempt to quell rampant rumors that he was forced out as host of "Lou Dobbs Tonight" because of his draconian stance on U.S. policy toward illegal immigrants, Lou Dobbs assured reporters that he had informed the cable news network that "my show wasn't working for me anymore and we had an amicable parting on the best of terms." As to his future plans, he said he's exploring several options that might include a run for office if a suitable opportunity opens in, say, the Senate, the House of Representatives, the Ku Klux Klan... whatever.

PLASTIC SISSIES

ROCHESTER, NEW YORK (BBC) - A report by researchers at the University of Rochester published in the International Journal of Andrology found that of 71 girls and 74 boys studied, the males exposed to high levels of "phthalatesn" --- a compound commonly used in many household items including plastic furniture and packaging --- were less likely to play with toy cars, trains and guns or engage in rough male-oriented games like war and cops 'n' robbers. Unfortunately, the exposed boys also displayed an abnormal affinity for vintage Broadway show tunes recorded on vinyl which also contains high concentrations of the substance.

CHOPPER CHAMP

ANCHORAGE, ALASKA (AP) - Governor Sean Parnell, who stepped in for the departing Sarah Palin, has vowed to expend every available state resource to wipe out polar bears, now living on rapidly melting ice floes, and has filed suit in federal court to remove them from the Endangered Species List. The reasons, he explained at a press conference, are to prevent their interference with Alaska's $26 billion natural gas pipeline as well as the drilling of additional oil wells along the North Slope. Aides privately admit that he's also fulfilling a promise to Palin that he would try to provide easy prey for her to blast from a helicopter.
________________________

[] WOULD YOU LIKE TO REMOVE POLAR BEARS FROM PARNELL'S SIGHTS? America's arctic is crucial for the survival of the U.S. population of polar bears. These magnificent animals – along with walrus and other wildlife – depend on stable sea ice in their arctic habitat that provides them with safe places to hunt and raise their young. Without decisive action to protect polar bears, scientists estimate that this endangered species could be extinct by 2050. Our friends at Defenders of Wildlife Action Fund have launched a new campaign to protect onshore denning habitats for these struggling bears, but they need our help to convince the Interior Department to adopt the plan and make polar bear habitat a priority. The Interior Department is considering designating more than 200,000 square miles of critical habitat for polar bears, but they need to hear from you. We only have until December 28 to submit comments. Please take action today – and help protect the polar bear denning grounds in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Thank you for helping our endangered wildlife!

Take action link: http://www.care2.com/go/z/e/AFRhl/zJ1m/bUzaw
________________________