A 27-year old man from Madrid, visiting Pamplona's San Fermin Festival while on holiday with his parents and his fiancee, died after being gored in the neck during the annual Running of the Bulls. To further spoil their vacation, the bull was awarded two ears and a tail.
Citing a recent study that shows tobacco use in the military costs the Pentagon $846 million a year in medical care and lost productivity, the Pentagon will soon recommend a total ban. Under the stringent proposal, the only way a G.I. could smoke would be to get himself court-martialed and request a firing squad.
Former vice president Bob Dole checked himself into the Walter Reed Army Medical medical Center in Washington with an accelerated heartbeat. It turned out his heart was fine, but when his doctor discovered sore spots on his legs, he diagnosed rug burns and rescinded his Viagra prescription.
Marking the 150th birthday of Big Ben, children will research the history of the world-famous timepiece that pealed its first chime on July 11, 1859. "Seems like only yesterday," Keith Richards told the BBC, "that as a lad I watched Queen Victoria smash a bottle of Dom Perignon against the hour hand."
A fast-moving brush fire sparked by weed-clearing equipment briefly threatened L.A.'s famed Getty Museum. As firefighters dropped flame retardant chemicals on the surrounding foliage, a specially-designed sprinkler system gently moistened the priceless Van Goghs, Monets and Renoirs with Perrier.
Writing in the journal "Stem Cells and Development," scientists in Newcastle, England claim to have created viable male sperm in the laboratory. The artificial sperm looks and acts so real, lab technicians had to use a condom to keep them in the petri dish.
Just months before Microsoft is scheduled to unveil the latest version of its operating system, Google has announced that it's developing a system for personal computers that's expected to outperform Windows. Is Bill Gates worried? Let's just say he's been asking around for possible donors in case he needs an ass transplant.
More than 600 passengers are quarantined aboard the British cruise ship Marco Polo after an outbreak of norovirus. Attempting to put a positive spin on the situation, cruise sponsor Transocean Tours has renamed it "U-Boats & Bandages: A musical Tribute to WWII" and have hired a Marlene Dietrich lookalike to entertain.
A Nevada driver successfully appealed the refusal of the DMV to issue him a personalized license plate that said "HOE" when his first choice, "TAHOE" wasn't available. Another guy who had a second choice for the already-taken "pussy willow" wasn't so lucky.
Oscar Meyer, Jr., son of the founder of what became TV's best-known hog dog company, died at age 95. In his honor, flags at Coney Island were flown at half-staff while fans and supporters gathered for a memorial service to hear eulogies delivered by Farmer John, Jimmy Dean and Nathan.
A new study found that among motorists of all ages, texting while driving is common. That's the bad news. The good news is that 80% of those who text believe that it should be made illegal. The bad news is that 47% of them responded to the poll by texting while driving.
In the seaside town of Cabo San Lucas, Baja California narcotics agents recently discovered five tons of cocaine using drug-sniffing dogs trained by the DEA. The German Shepards, "Cheech" and "Chong," have been tapped to host a new reality show on Telemundo called "I'm a Chihuahua, Get me Out of here!"
Designed after the popular tourist attraction at the Grand Canyon, Sears has installed a clear Plexiglas balcony on the 103rd floor of its Sears Tower, which gives visitors the feeling that they're floating on air. LSD does the same thing, but you're not required to buy life insurance from Allstate.
Fourteen-time Olympic Gold Medalist Michael Phelps appears in the latest Subway TV commercial hawking the eatery's new foot-long Meatball Marinara with Jalapeno sandwich that contains 1060 calories and 3000 milligrams of sodium -- much less if you follow Michael's suggestion and smoke the jalapenos.
The world's oldest Christian bible, dating from the fourth century and written in Greek, has been digitally recodified at one central location from four different sites. Known as the "Codex Sinaiticus," it's now the largest collection of ecclesiastical mumbo-jumbo masquerading as history outside of the Vatican Library.
State arson investigators in Utah have issued a report on the cause of a March fire that completely gutted a private ski lodge located at the base of the popular Soldier Mountain Ski resort. That sigh of relief you hear is from the lodge's owner, Bruce Willis, whom police initially suspected of blowing up the lodge himself out of habit.
Vowing to leave his comedic roots behind, Minnesota's newly-minted senator Al Franken arrived in Washington "Ready," he told reporters, "...to get to work." No more jokes. No more schtick. All business. Then he reverted to Stewart Smally, introduced Steve Martin, and the former SNL headliners did a solid ten minutes as "Two Wild and Crazy Guys."
Accompanied by his family, President Barack Obama departed aboard Air Force One from Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland to begin a weeklong trip to Russia, Italy and Ghana. During his first stop in Moscow, Obama met with Russian President Dmitry Medvedev to discuss details of a hoped-for arms reduction treaty. Following the high-level meeting that was guarded by both Secret Service and KGB agents on high alert, the two leaders exchanged gifts: Obama gave Medvedev a rare Matthew Brady print of a Civil War battlefield being inspected by Abraham Lincoln and Medvedev gave him a coupon for 10 free tennis lessons for Malia and Sasha from Anna Kournikova.
Faced with a steadily declining audience share, the Motion Picture Academy recently decided to expand the field of "Best Picture" Oscar nominees from five to ten, in the hope that more film goers will tune in to root for their favorites. In furtherance of that objective, they have instituted these additional crowd-pleasers:
1] The opening production number, which may or may not include the host, will culminate in a suicide attempt by Owen Wilson.
2] Following explanation of the judging process, accountants from Pricewaterhouse Coopers will explain the tax ramifications of Jennifer Anniston's latest break-up.
3] Angelina Jolie (with or without Brad Pitt) will present the Best Foreign Film Oscar and then fill out an application -- right there on stage -- to adopt a needy child from the winning country.
4] Kirsty Alley will be weighed several times during each telecast and, if she manages to shed five pounds, will be awarded an honorary Oscar (called a "Porky").
5] During the post-broadcast press conference, while the winners are being congratulated, behind them the home audience will see the losers being waterboarded by Keefer Southerland.
Responding to a survey recently conducted by the U. S. Chamber of Commerce that shows shoplifting is on the rise, leading criminologists, sociologists and law enforcement officials theorize that the crime wave is caused by multiple factors including:
1] Massive job losses that force ordinarily law abiding citizens unable to feed their hungry families to resort to extreme measures, including theft.
2] A general mistrust of large businesses in light of recent scandals involving crooked corporate executives.
3] A California judge's recent decision to terminate Winona Ryder's probation.
Sarah Palin shocked Republican Party leaders by announcing that she will step aside as governor of Alaska at the end of July. While her motives remain unclear, she had hit rough political seas of late, particularly as a result of a Vanity Fair article quoting campaign aides saying "she was not suited for national office." An assessment that former running-mate John McCain apparently shares. Worse, a recent poll that shows that if she were to make a White House run today she would capture sure votes only from low-income trailer trash, girls who had become pregnant at 16, hunters of endangered species, non-magazine readers, women whose fashion sense leans toward "Las Vegas hooker," employees of LensCrafters, and people who believe you can see Russia from Alaska.
Palin's abrupt resignation immediately fueled rumors that the F.B.I. was conducting an investigation of her corruption in office. However, the Bureau was quick to quash the speculation through a statement by Special Agent Eric Gonsalez who told reporters, "There is absolutely no truth to those rumors that we're investigating her or getting ready to indict her." He did concede, though, that non-corruption charges were not off the table since evidence has been uncovered that Palin may have been carrying on an extra-marital affair with a Argentinian gaucho she met while while in Buenos Aries to decide whether Alaska should invest in a new one-man show in which he stars called "The One... the Only... Gaucho!"
After months of criticism, the producers of the Oscar-winning film "Slumdog Millionaire" have purchased a $42,000 apartment for its star, 9-year old Azharuddin Ismail in Bandra, located in a town near the upscale Juho, not exactly the Dakota, but a far cry from the tarpaulin and sheet lean-to in which Azharuddin and his family were living when he was spotted by a talent scout and hired for the movie. In fairness to Slumdog's producers, it should be noted that, following their Oscar win, they did relocate the family into an abandoned stretch limo that had been used to transport Ben Kingsley during the shooting of "Ghandi."
July 1 was the effective date in many states for laws passed during this year's legislative sessions including California's new rule calling for restaurants to list the calorie count of all menu items and banning high school cafeterias from selling sodas, Utah's new law allowing bars that aren't licensed private clubs, Florida's measure that allows state colleges to maintain mausoleums so that the ashes of dead alumni can stored there and the South Carolina law that requires unwed fathers to register with the state to preserve parental rights. There are a few exceptions to that one, though. It doesn't apply to new fathers who impregnate their daughters, mothers, grandmothers or first cousins.
An attorney for Deborah Rowe says his client has not reached a final decision on whether to seek legal custody of the two children Michael Jackson hired her to sire. He added, however, that in no case is Ms. Rowe at all satisfied with the bequest in Michael’s will granting her full custody of the chimp, the llama and six peacocks. Nobody's buying this will. Yesterday, an attorney for Cher turned down her bequest of Michael’s hyperbaric chamber.
The 3rd U.S. District Court of Appeals has censured 9th Circuit Chief Judge, Alex Kozinski, whose personal laptop kept in his chambers was recently found to contain pornographic photos and videos easily seen by clerks, reporters and other court personnel. The justices urged Kozinski to follow the example of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, an admitted collector of porn, who is careful not to allow his addiction to interfere with his judicial duties.
Underground gay and lesbian support groups throughout India are applauding a decision by the High Court of Delhi that treating consensual gay sex between adults as a crime violates India’s Constitution. Already, however, the groups are marshaling forces to seek the overturn of a provision requiring the surviving partner to throw him or herself on the funeral pyre of the other.
Among the amazing facts in “First Dogs: American Presidents and Their Best Friends” by Roy Rowan and Brooke Janis are these:
1) Which dog was the first in history to be photographed? Ans: Lincoln’s dog, “Fido.”
2) Which dog sat in on Cabinet meetings in his own hand-carved chair? Ans: Warren Harding’s Airedale, “Laddie Boy.”
3) Which dog had a more legitimate formal education than his master? Ans: W’s Springer Spaniel, “Millie.” (obedience training)
Michael Jackson’s will, filed yesterday in Los Angeles Superior Court, leaves his entire estate to a family trust to be administered by his mother, Katherine and, if she is unable to serve, Diana Ross. Recipients of the $500 million estate include his children Prince Michael, Paris Michael Katherine, and Prince Michael II, as well as several charities including Boys Town, which he called “Fantasy Island,” and the Vienna Boys Choir, which he often referred to as “e-Harmony.com.”
Completely nude save for his shoes and his Seiko, Keith Wright, 50, was taken into custody by the F.B.I. after disrobing during a US Airways flight from Charlotte, South Carolina to Los Angeles. He will be charged with disrupting a flight crew, a federal offense. One bright note when he gets out of the slammer, though . After viewing the in-flight video, the producers of “Hung” hired him as a stunt-double.
McDonald’s has introduced their new lineup of gourmet coffees that include, according to their magazine ads “… mocha, cappuccino, latte, iced mocha and iced latte with freshly ground espresso, real steamed milk and decadent chocolate…” all marketed under the name McCafe… or, as Starbucks calls it, “McScrewed.”
Pressure from his own party is mounting for South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford to resign as evidence emerges that he had made more visits to Argentina than he had admitted previously. According to usually reliable sources in Buenos Aires, Sanford was not only providing South Carolina state funds to finance a musical sequel to “Evita” starring his mistress as Eva Peron, but he planned to cast himself as Peron’s military attache, General Viagra.
As album sales skyrocket worldwide, fans of Michael Jackson eagerly await the announcement of plans for a memorial service. So far, offers to speak have poured in from Barry Manilow, Elizabeth Taylor, Brooke Shields, Lou Ferrigno, Liza Mannelli, Diana Ross, Rev. Al Sharpton and the president of the National Association of Pedophile Defense Attorneys. The Jackson family had wanted the services to include a high mass at Our Lady of the Angels Cathedral, but out of habit, Roger Mahoney transferred Michael’s body to another diocese.
Noting that 56,000 people annually are hospitalized for over-dosing on pain-killers, experts commissioned by the F.D.A. have recommended that the maximum dose of pain medication containing acetaminophen, be reduced to 650 milligrams, down from the 1000 milligram dose delivered by two Extra Strength Tylenol tablets. A spokesman for Johnson & Johnson defended the present standard, pointing out that death occurs only when the pills are accompanied by a suicide note.
At Sydney’s IVF Fertility Clinic, Dr. David Greening reported that in a recent study, men with damaged sperm improved by having sex every day for a week. In 81% of his bachelor patients, the amount of their damaged sperm was reduced. “Aside from the positive results of the study,” Dr. Greening said, “The patients paid $5000 each and my nurse worked for free.”
According to accounts made public in London on Monday, it has cost British taxpayers a whopping $496,000 so far this year to clean and maintain Queen Elizabeth’s residences. But help may be on the horizon -- there’s a growing movement in the House of Commons to reduce her majesty’s cleaning lady from three days to twice a week.
A spokesman for TLC has announced that Jon and Kate Gosselin, tabloid fodder for the last several weeks, will no longer have any contact with members of the media. “They ask that you respect their privacy,” he told reporters and paparazzi gathered on the Gosselin’s front lawn, “so that they may devote their full time and energy to their respective extramarital affairs.”
Officials of the Los Angeles Unified School District are investigating the circumstances that allowed actor Sasha Baron Cohen, in his role as gay fashionista “Bruno,” to covert with members of the Birmingham High School football team dressed only in shoulder pads, shorts and an athletic cup for a Gentleman’s Quarterly photo spread. So far, they’re not buying the coach’s explanation that, following the practice, he promised to do their hair -- free.
After a vote recount and several appeals, the Minnesota State Supreme Court has finally certified the election of Al Franken to the U.S. Senate and ordered that he be seated immediately. His Republican opponent, Norm Coleman, is reported to be so despondent, aides found him packing a suitcase and holding a one-way ticket to Buenos Aires.
While fans anxiously await the results of an autopsy performed in Tampa by the Broward County coroner on the body of television pitch artist Billy Mays who passed on over the weekend at age 50, preliminary toxicology findings are sketchy, but a coroner’s spokesman indicated that his office has not ruled out a lethal combination of over-the-counter painkillers and OxiClean.
City officials in Talmadge, Ohio are drafting an ordinance that would prohibit actors dressed as popular TV animals used to promote commercial products from appearing in any city-sponsored event. Residents requested the law after this year’s Easter Parade was ruined when the Zacky Chicken teamed with the AFLAC duck and attempted to mount the Oscar Meyer Weiner.
Long idle since the Army vacated the property decades ago, San Francisco’s famed Presidio which is located near the tourist-friendly Golden Gate Bridge, will soon house the new Walt Disney Family Museum featuring ten “theme galleries” and actual drawing tools used to create Mickey Mouse. Still awaiting approval from the Disney heirs are autographed baseball bats wielded by Walt's strike-breakers in the early 1940s to thwart attempts by his animators to unionize.
Pope Benedict XVI has announced the start of scientific testing to positively identify what are believed to be the remains of the popular church icon, Saint Paul. Not that past attempts haven’t been well-meaning, but the anthropologists previously hired by the Vatican on the recommendation of the Holy Father’s “science czar,” Cardinal Misterio Wizardorini, concluded that the bones were those of Paul Newman.
Boston’s Sean Cardinal O’Malley has rescinded an agreement between Clentene Medical Corp. and the archdiocese on the grounds that Clentene “was linking Catholic hospitals too closely with abortion providers, in violation of Catholic doctrine.“ Sean would have been willing to look the other way on the abortions, but then he discovered they were also castrating pedophile priests.
Protesting the opening of a car park on the Sabbath, 24 Orthodox Jews in Jerusalem were arrested and charged with causing a riot during which rocks and bottles were thrown, injuring four police officers. The riot resulted from a little-known loophole in the Torah that condones the throwing of empty bottles as long as they had contained kosher liquids.
Players, coaches and officials are seeking to ban the 2-3 foot long, plastic horns called “vuvuzulas,” that South Africa’s soccer fans blow to make a sound some compare to “a swarm of attacking wasps or a herd of flatulent elephants.” There’s an unexpected plus, though. Those whose vuvuzula must be surgically removed after the game receive the same medical benefits as those of a traditional colonoscopy.
Europe’s lowest-cost airline, Dublin’s Ryanair, which has already done away with check-in counters, from now on will accept only carry-on luggage. Said a Ryanair spokesman, “The flying public should rest assured that there will be no compromise on safety. In the event of a sudden decrease in cabin pressure, a coin-operated oxygen mask will drop down in front of each passenger.”
In a statement issued Thursday, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford acknowledged that he “made a mistake” flying to Buenos Aires to have a tryst with his mistress. Sanford still appears to be in a state of shock, but has been receiving counseling from therapists arranged by the Republican National Committee -- John Ensign, Eliot Spitzer, Larry Craig and Mark Foley.
The Southern California Genealogical Society Convention is being held this weekend at Burbank’s Airport Mariott Hotel. Rates are $45 or $50 daily, or $90 for all three days. But those who can trace their lineage to the Mayflower are admitted free, while the Daughters of the Confederacy have been barred since last year when they set fire to a textile worker and made off with the Marriott’s sheets.
Officials in Tasmania, the world’s largest grower of opium legally grown for the pharmaceutical industry, are attempting to eradicate kangaroo-like wallabies who are sneaking into the poppy fields, getting high and wrecking havoc on the surrounding countryside. Wildlife officers used stun guns for awhile, but had to stop when they accidentally zapped three vacationing rockers from Adelaide.
A video posted on You-Tube by the Manifested Glory Ministries Church in Bridgeport, Connecticut shows church elders screaming, “Lose your grip, Lucifer!” “Com’on, you homosexual demon!” and “Rip it from his throat!” while performing an exorcism on a 16-year old gay youth. Worshipers can be seen in the background setting fire to a pile of Broadway show tune albums, while others hang Liza Minnelli in effigy.
Twenty-seven year old Michael Buck has been charged with felony obscenity after officers observed him playing pornographic rap soundtracks to scare away children playing on the street near his Phoenixville, Philadelphia home. Police were alerted by teachers at a nearby middle school after they caught several students playing the tracks on their I-Pods.
While excavating in the Hohle Fels Cave near Berlin, an archeologist from the University of Tuebingen named Nicholas Conard found a flute made out of a vulture bone that is estimated to be 35,000 years old, making it the oldest musical instrument on record. Graphologists believe the name scratched along one edge of the flute, “Ogg-G”, may have been its owner, a prehistoric ancestor of Kenny.
The Los Angeles City Council has designated the first See’s Candy store, located at Western and First Street, an historic monument, immunizing it from destruction or development. See’s was founded in 1939 by a consortium of struggling Los Angeles dentists who modeled the chain’s distinctive black-and-white tiled floors after the mens room at the Hillcrest Country Club.
Governor Mark Sanford confessed that he had an affair with an Argentinian woman named Maria, but denied he was to blame. "It began very innocently as I suspect these things do, with casual emails back and forth. When we finally met secretly in a room she had reserved for us at the "Don't Cry For Me Motel," she began writhing and flinging herself against my body. Being a Republican, I though she was just trying to teach me the tango."
In a case reminiscent of Mickey Mantle's one-day wait for a new liver back in 1995, compuguru Steve Jobs is being accused of using his wealth and influence to jump ahead on the liver transplant waiting list. In Steve's defense, it should be pointed out that when his need for a new liver was first made public, he voluntarily refused donation offers from Keith Richards, Amy Winehouse, David Hasselhoff and the estate of Dean Martin.
Nancy Haseman of Rio Rancho, New Mexico told police and Animal Control Officers that she was careful to house her male and female rabbits in separate pens, but they somehow managed to comingle and produce 332 offspring, which now frolicked freely in her front yard. “I blame my husband for this,” she complained to reporters as she was led off in handcuffs. “Whenever I needed Harvey, I could never seem to find him.”
Confirming rumors which had been circulating for weeks in the tab world, TLC’s “Jon & Kate Plus 8” stars, Jon and Kate Gosselin, have announced the planned dissolution of their 10-year marriage. According to a TLC spokesman, since the couple had already committed to a full 40-week season, they will continue appearing on the show under its new title: “Jon & Kate Plus 8 Divorce Lawyers.”
Ornithologists at the University of Missouri-St. Louis have published a study showing that the size of birds is largely determined by the complexity of their molting process -- when worn out feathers are shed and replaced -- which can take up to three years. Swans are the size champs, able to remain airborne at 33 pounds. Storks are close behind if you count the baby and the blanket they usually have on board.
Teen idol Chris Brown, who pleaded guilty to charges of using girlfriend, pop singer Rihanna, as a tom-tom, is being advised by his management team that any hopes of becoming a Grammy-winner should, realistically, be placed in the deep freeze until further notice. On a brighter note, he’s now considered a shoo-in for the leading role in the upcoming ABC biopic, “The Ike Turner Story.”
Faced with massive budget cuts necessary to keep his floundering state from going the way of General Motors and Chrysler, California Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger will release 19,000 prison inmates, including child molesters, elder abusers, and sex slave traffickers. Accused of compromising public safety, Arnie responded “Hey, we’re doing better than Obama -- no Muslim terrorists.”
Stressing quality in response to McDonald’s assault on their eroding coffee market share, Starbucks has instructed their baristas to grind beans for each new pot individually instead of at the start of each shift. Javanistas who demand an even greater guarantee of freshness may scoop their own beans from the sack hanging over Juan Valdez’s mule.
In a new study published in the Journal Zoology, researchers spent a year observing 340 great white sharks off the coast of South Africa’s Seal Island and found that, contrary to what scientists previously believed, they don’t attack prey at random, but hunt strategically, stalking specific victims, lurking out of sight and attacking silently from below. Interesting, but wouldn’t it have been easier to just follow Bernie Madoff around?
Boston’s Sean Cardinal O’Malley has rescinded an agreement between Clentene Medical Corporation and the archdiocese on the grounds that Clentene “was linking Catholic hospitals too closely with abortion providers, in violation of Catholic doctrine.“ Sean would have been willing to look the other way on the abortions, but then he discovered they were also castrating pedophile priests.
Protesting the opening of a car park on the Sabbath, 24 Orthodox Jews in Jerusalem were arrested and charged with causing a riot during which rocks and bottles were thrown, injuring four police officers. The riot resulted from a little-known loophole in the Torah that condones the throwing of empty bottles as long as they had contained kosher liquids.
Players, coaches and officials are seeking to ban the 2-3 foot long, plastic horns called “vuvuzulas,” that South Africa’s soccer fans blow to make a sound some compare to “a swarm of attacking wasps or a herd of flatulent elephants.” There’s an unexpected plus, though. Those whose vuvuzula must be surgically removed after the game receive the same medical benefits as those of a traditional colonoscopy.
Europe’s lowest-cost airline, Dublin’s Ryanair, which has already done away with check-in counters, from now on will accept only carry-on luggage. Said a Ryanair spokesman, “The flying public should rest assured that there will be no compromise on safety. In the event of a sudden decrease in cabin pressure, a coin-operated oxygen mask will drop down in front of each passenger.”
In a statement issued Thursday, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford acknowledged that he “made a mistake” flying to Buenos Aires to have a tryst with his mistress. Stanford still appears to be in a state of shock, but has been receiving counseling from therapists arranged by the Republican National Committee -- John Ensign, Eliot Spitzer, Larry Craig and Mark Foley.
The Southern California Genealogical Society Convention is being held this weekend at Burbank’s Airport Mariott Hotel. Rates are $45 or $50 daily, or $90 for all three days. But those who can trace their lineage to the Mayflower are admitted free, while the Daughters of the Confederacy have been barred since last year when they set fire to a textile worker and made off with the Marriott’s sheets.
Officials in Tasmania, the world’s largest grower of opium legally grown for the pharmaceutical industry, are attempting to eradicate kangaroo-like wallabies who are sneaking into the poppy fields, getting high and wrecking havoc on the surrounding countryside. Wildlife officers used stun guns for awhile, but had to stop when they accidentally zapped three vacationing rockers from Adelaide.
A video posted on You-Tube by the Manifested Glory Ministries Church in Bridgeport, Connecticut shows church elders screaming, “Lose your grip, Lucifer!” “Com’on, you homosexual demon!” and “Rip it from his throat!” while performing an exorcism on a 16-year old gay youth. Worshipers can be seen in the background setting fire to a pile of Broadway show tune albums, while others hang Liza Minnelli in effigy.
Twenty-seven year old Michael Buck has been charged with felony obscenity after officers observed him playing pornographic rap soundtracks to scare away children playing on the street near his Phoenixville, Philadelphia home. Police were alerted by teachers at a nearby middle school after they caught several students playing the tracks on their I-Pods.
While excavating in the Hohle Fels Cave near Berlin, an archeologist from the University of Tuebingen named Nicholas Conard found a flute made out of a vulture bone that is estimated to be 35,000 years old, making it the oldest musical instrument on record. Graphologists believe the name scratched along one edge of the flute, “Ogg-G”, may have been its owner, a prehistoric ancestor of Kenny.
The Los Angeles City Council has designated the first See’s Candy store, located at Western and First Street, an historic monument, immunizing it from destruction or development. See’s was founded in 1921 by a consortium of struggling Los Angeles dentists who modeled the chain’s distinctive black-and-white tiled floors after the mens room at the Hillcrest Country Club.
Nancy Haseman of Rio Rancho, New Mexico told police and Animal Control Officers that she was careful to house her male and female rabbits in separate pens, but they somehow managed to comingle and produce 332 offspring, which now frolicked freely in her front yard. “I blame my husband for this,” she complained to reporters as she was led off in handcuffs. “Whenever I needed Harvey, I could never seem to find him.”
Governor Mark Sanford confessed that he had an affair with a Buenos Aires woman named Maria, but denied he was to blame. "It began very innocently as I suspect these things do, with casual emails back and forth. When we finally met secretly in a room she had reserved for us at the "Don't Cry For Me Motel," she began writhing and flinging herself against my body. Being a Republican, I though she was just trying to teach me the tango."
In a case reminiscent of Mickey Mantle's one-day wait for a new liver back in 1995, compu-guru Steve Jobs is being accused of using his wealth and influence to jump ahead on the liver transplant waiting list. In Steve's defense, it should be pointed out that when his need for a new liver was first made public, he voluntarily refused donation offers from Keith Richards, Amy Winehouse, David Hasselhoff and the estate of Dean Martin.
Confirming rumors which had been circulating for weeks in the tab world, TLC’s “Jon & Kate Plus 8” stars, Jon and Kate Gosselin, have announced the planned dissolution of their 10-year marriage. According to a TLC spokesman, since the couple already committed to a full 40-week season, they will continue appearing on the show under its new title: “Jon & Kate Plus 8 Divorce Lawyers.”
Ornithologists at the University of Missouri-St. Louis have published a study showing that the size of birds is largely determined by the complexity of their molting process -- when worn out feathers are shed and replaced -- which can take up to three years. Swans are the champs, able to remain airborne at 33 pounds. Storks are close behind if you count the baby and the blanket they usually have aboard.
Teen idol Chris Brown, who pleaded guilty to charges of using girlfriend, pop singer Rihanna, as a tom-tom, is being advised by his management team that any hopes of becoming a Grammy-winner should, realistically, be placed in the deep freeze until further notice. On a warmer note, he’s now considered a shoo-in for the lead in the upcoming ABC biopic, “The Ike Turner Story.”
Faced with massive budget cuts necessary to keep his floundering state from going the way of General Motors and Chrysler, California Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger will release 19,000 prison inmates, including child molesters, elder abusers, and sex slave traffickers. Accused of compromising public safety, Arnie responded “Hey, we’re doing better than Obama -- no Muslim terrorists.”
Stressing quality in response to McDonald’s assault on their eroding coffee market share, Starbucks has instructed their baristas to grind beans for each new pot individually instead of at the start of each shift. Javanistas who demand an even greater guarantee of freshness may scoop their own beans from the sack hanging over Juan Valdez’s mule.
In a new study published in the Journal Zoology, researchers spent a year observing 340 great white sharks off the coast of South Africa’s Seal Island and found that, contrary to what scientists previously believed, they don’t attack prey at random, but hunt strategically, stalking specific victims, lurking out of sight and attacking silently from below. Interesting, but wouldn’t it have been easier to just follow Bernie Madoff around?
Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton faces surgery to repair a fractured elbow suffered in a fall in the State Department garage while on her way to the White House with Afghanistan policy chief Richard Holbrooke. Ironically, Hillary was treated by the same ER doctor at the George Washington University Hospital who treated Monica Lewinsky several times during the 80s for rug burns on her knees.
Mount Rushmore, designed and carved by Gutzon Borgium with the help of 400 stone workers and completed in 1941 at a cost of $989,992. (84% of which was paid by the government), would cost $14.4 million today. In the lowest turnstile count in over ten years, the monument welcomed 2.4 million visitors last year, 77% of whom asked a park ranger, “Which one is Reagan?”
Macy’s has issued a recall of 33,000 kids’ sweatshirts (branded “Epic Threads” for the $32 version, and “Greendog” for the $50 model) due to defective hood cords which can strangle its wearer. The $50 version features an imprint on the back which reads: “Can You Believe My Stupid Parents Paid $50 For This?”
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WORTH NOTING…
“Teddy Roosevelt, perhaps mindful that both Washington and Lincoln forbade torture, ordered the court-martial of a U.S. general accused of water-boarding. Later, after World War II, the U.S. prosecuted Japanese interrogators for water-boarding. There was no debate about it being a war crime. Why then do half of all Americans now believe torture can be justified in certain circumstances? How could any circumstances be more dire than World War II, when sixty million people perished? This is the legacy of eight years of fear and lawlessness, the damage a small band of amoral leaders has done in stripping a nation of its own tradition of decency.
Gary Trudeau, Doonesbury 6/21
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A Continental Airlines Boeing 777 en route from Brussels to Newark, New Jersey with 247 passengers on board was landed successfully by co-pilots after the plane’s captain died at the controls. No foul play is suspected, but the possibility of food poisoning is being investigated as the pilot had been warned numerous times by both the F.A.A. and the F.D.A. to avoid the microwaved turkey tetrazzini with creamed mushrooms.
Infant cribs labeled “Cabana,“ “Hudson” and Pinehurst” made by La Jobi, Inc. and sold through Babies R Us, Buy Buy Baby, USA Baby, Baby Basics and Beautiful Beginnings between 2006 and 2008 have been recalled due to a side railing that can separate and asphyxiate the sleeping child. Though not recalled, owners of the “’Lil Videomaster” model are being warned that the built-in remote may dial MTV instead of PBS.
Alaska’s Nature Conservancy, a local conservation group and the federal government partnered to eradicate Norway rats from an island where they took refuge from a Japanese shipwreck in 1780 and went on to decimate the indigenous wildlife. Assisting in the operation in which poison bait was dropped from helicopters were state Fish & Game officers, zoologists from the University of Hawaii, and state bar officials who acted as consultants.
Marvel Comics has announced that they will resurrect their Captain America character in a five-part series to be called “Captain America Reborn.” The superhero’s altar-ego, Steve Rogers, was fatally gunned down on the steps of a Manhattan courthouse two years ago. There are serious political implications here. If Americans will swallow the concept that a deceased person other than Jesus can rise from the dead, there may be hope for the Republican Party.
Elen Weiser, a classical pianist and board member of the National Association of Educational Progress, announced sadly that a recent survey showed that only 16% of America’s students have visited an art museum and only 49% could identify the instrument that begins George Gershwin’s “Rhapsody in Blue” as a clarinet. On a slightly brighter note, 83% correctly identified the voice of Sarah Palin screeching at David Letterman.
Despite the fact that no new cloud formation has been identified since 1951, Gavin Pretor-Pinney, author of “The Cloud Spotter’s Guide,” wants to add “alto-cumulus” to the three existing categories, “stratus, “cirrus” and “cumulus.” Bryant Foote of the National Center for Atmospheric Research says, “I wish him luck, but this is the first such request we’ve received since “June Bride” magazine wanted us to add a new cloud category called “nine.”
The Consumer Products Safety Commission announced that coffee giant Starbucks is recalling 530,000 "Barista Blade Grinders" sold across the U.S. between March 2002 and March 2009 after receiving reports that they could start suddenly during cleaning and lacerate the owner's fingers. Said a commission spokesperson, “It’s just not fair that customers who already pay Starbuck’s an arm and a leg for a cup of coffee should lose a finger while making their own.”
Boaters on Lake Keowee near Seneca, South Carolina will soon have access to floating restrooms that officials of Pickens County have allocated $135,000 to provide. County Administrator Chappell Hurst told Council members that the floating honey wagons are needed to preserve the lake’s wildlife. “It was getting so bad,” Hurst explained, “their urine was killing more fish than the anglers were catching.”
After years of playing second fiddle to the famed San Diego Zoo, the Columbus Ohio Zoo -- led by TV animal handler Jack Hanna singing “Lots of Scoopin’ all their Poopin, no more Number Two!” -- has regained the top slot in the USA Travel Guide Zoo Rankings. Moving up from number five to third best zoo: Congress.
Alabama’s Senator Jeff Sessions, the top Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee that reviews Barack Obama’s federal court nominees, told reporters, “I’m troubled, I have to say, by [Obama’s] philosophy of judging when he talks about a wanting a judge to show empathy.” Not as troubling, though, as wanting a judge who’s ranked “unqualified” by the American Bar Association and who never utters a word from the bench for fear he’ll prove them correct. Give him a Clarence Thomas any day.
In West Burlington, Iowa, umpire Don Briggs was officiating at a high school baseball game between Winfield-Mount Union and West Burlington when parents and students became so unruly, he ejected 100 of them. Said school superintendent James Sleister, “We didn’t object to him ordering them to leave the stadium, but when he asked them to provide a urine sample… “
National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodall has informed the owners of all 32 teams in the league to comply with the new “Rooney Rule,” named for its originator, Pittsburgh’s Dan Rooney, that at least one minority must be interviewed for all open head coaching positions. This should not be confused with the “Andy Rooney Rule” that requires interviewing at least one elderly person.
Czech Republic hospitals and clinics are facing a dire shortage of qualified nurses with scores of qualified applicants migrating to Germany or Great Britain in search of higher wages. The Iscare Clinic near Prague now offers new nurses their choice of a free tummy tuck worth $2013, a facelift ($1836) or silicone breast implants (varies according to size chosen). One small catch, though. The applicant must agree to assist in her own procedure.
The Army will reduce the size of its “warrior transition units” which had provided specialized care for more seriously wounded soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan in response to misuse of the program by troops not qualified for treatment at the facilities. “From now on,” said Army spokesperson Col. Jimmie Keenan, “the wounded will be sent back to their units to heal.” Those with combat-related mental disorders are expected to observe the Army’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” rule.
Despite welcoming 25 million visitors to its twenty theme parks in 2008, once thriving Six Flags Magic Mountain has filed for bankruptcy protection in an attempt to erase $1.8 billion of debt. Located in the United States, Mexico and Canada, the parks will continue to operate, but with certain changes that include a new name, “Four Flags Magic Mountain“ and a bumper car ride that now requires visitors to use their own cars in the parking lot.
An 18-year old Paris, Texas mental defective with a 47 IQ was sentenced to 100 years in prison for fondling a 14-year old neighbor. Judge Ronald Clifford passed the sentence on Aaron Hart, who can not read or write and speaks only haltingly and was described by neighbors for whom he often ran errands as “well-mannered”; citing a lack of mental hospitals in Texas that are equipped to handle such patients, the judge added, “Besides, in Texas a 47 IQ isn’t that unusual.”
Chastity Bono, 40-year old lesbian daughter of 1960s TV and music icons Sonny & Cher (“I Got You, Babe,” “The Beat Goes On”), has announced through a spokesperson that she will soon undergo sex change surgery. Said her still-ravishing mom during a rehearsal break for her Las Vegas show, “I’m disappointed that Chas has decided to undergo such a radical surgical change in her essential nature as a woman. She could have used so many of my leftover parts.”
After a four-month postponement, the Federal Communication Commission’s national conversion to digital television broadcasting took place on June 12, with at least 2,800,000 homes plunged into darkness, according to Neilen Research. Viewers who don’t have a converter box, satellite or cable TV have lost their signal. Said a Neilsen spokesman, “Only those who have prepared themselves for television with nothing on it, like those who have been watching NBC prime time, are unaffected.”
In London, over ten thousand members of the Rail, Maritime and Transport Union staged a 48-hour walkout seeking a 5% pay raise. With the 249-mile long underground “tube” unavailable, Brits had to get to work riding buses or ferry boats on the Thames. The strike, estimated to cost 100,000 pounds, recalls New York City’s annual subway maintenance shut-down to replenish the urine odor, check the rats for plague, spruce up the graffiti and head-count the crack dealers.
Overcoming the threat by southern senators of a filibuster, the Senate overwhelmingly approved legislation that will allow the Food and Drug Administration to regulate the use of tobacco products. Fifty years after Surgeon General C. Everett Coop warned that tobacco use results in 400,000 deaths annually, supporters of the ground-breaking measure celebrated at a Winston-Salem, South Carolina barbecue that featured grilled Joe Camel and R.J. Reynolds executives-on-a-stick.
Despite a forensic report by Thai authorities that David Carradine was found naked with ropes around his neck, wrists and genitals, a spokesman for Carradine’s family told reporters that the Kung Fu actor did not commit suicide. “Perhaps,” said a forensic expert hired by Keith and Robert Carradine to investigate the death, “David was simply preparing for a movie role he was recently offered in the upcoming film to be entitled “Dick Cheney at Abu Gharib.”
This week marks the 75th birthday of Disney veteran and perennial fan favorite, Donald Duck. Still spry and active at the three quarter century mark, Don is currently hard at work on his memoirs “Too Fat to Quack,” in which he reveals that in 1949, Warner Bros. Studios attempted to lure him away from Disney by offering him twice what Walt was paying him at the time. Tempted, he declined only after several colleagues convinced him that he would be daffy to accept the offer.
Citing the First Amendment, lawyers for the University of California have ruled that a student in the Molecular Cell and Development Biology Department may say, while accepting her degree on Saturday, “I thank my Savior, Jesus Christ.” Not so lucky were students wanting to thank non-dieties -- disallowed was an advertising symbol (Tony the Tiger), a mythical hero (Iron Man), an inanimate object (coffee maker) and a TV host (Regis).
An extremely rare copy of Poor Richard’s Almanac, published by Ben Franklin in 1733 and recently discovered in a Berwich, Pennsylvania museum, sold at a Southeby’s auction for $556,500, the highest price ever paid for any book printed in the U.S.; coincidentally, an equally rare copy of The Pot Farmer’s Almanac, published by Ben Stiller as part of his senior “green” science project at Hollywood High in 1989, sold on e-Bay for $69.
Reportedly so despondent over the dismal box office receipts and devastatingly negative reviews of his new Universal Studios release “Land of the Lost,” Will Farrell has been placed under observation at the Eddie Murphy Psychiatric Clinic for Former Saturday Night Live Comedians Who Used to be Funny. His handlers are reportedly so concerned for his safety, they’ve asked that he be placed on a 24-hour David Carradine watch.
The Federal Bureau of Investigation has bestowed their highest honor on 91-year old Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. who played Special Agent Lewis Erskine on The F.B.I., which ran from 1965 to 1974 on ABC. Efrem was presented with an honorary solid gold Special Agent badge set in a velvet-lined mahogany jewelry case used by the Bureau’s founder, J. Edgar Hoover, to store his earrings.
The 63rd annual Tony Awards telecast on Sunday night garnered ten wins for Elton John’s musical “Billy Elliott,” and statuettes for “Next to Normal,“ “God of Carnage” and the revival of “Hair.” Close, but no cigar nominees included “Springtime for Transexuals,” “Goodbye Westminster Abbey,” and “No tears for Donald Trump.”
The National Consumers League has released their annual “Five Worst Teen Jobs”:
1] Harvesting crops
2] Construction
3] Driving a tractor
4] Door-to-door group sales
5] Grounds-keeping
The group’s “All-Time Top Five Worst Jobs”:
1] Medical school prostate exam dummy
2] Stand-in for Alec Baldwin’s daughter
3] Professional altar boy
4] Magazine translator for Sarah Palin
5] Pinsetter at White House bowling alley
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